I am a broken man, no soul. I Paid for

I am a broken man, no soul. I Paid for my (then) fiance to have an abortion last August. That same day, we drove 6 hours to my brother's wedding, in which i was one of his "best men" how disgusting and ironic. I can kill innocent unborn but am too pathetic to complete a suidice attempt. Now I am separated from the woman i was to marry, unemployed, disabled Vet with no direction no faith in god and no plan for recovery. Almost 30 years old and moved back in with mommy. Embarrassing and Disgusting. I am paralyzed with fear and self loathing. No self esteem, no discipline, not even though i quit ALL drugs: both legal medications for depression/bipolar and illegal "alternative medicines" 14 days ago. They obviously didn't keep my relationship together so what's the point. Medical discharge for depression. Multiple suicide attempts, multiple concussions. Social Anxiety, i stare at the ceiling and avoid my problems. I have been afforded many opportunities yet don't have any sense of who I am, aside from lost, broken, depressed, pathetic, unlovable. Where can I go to escape from myself? I have no more dignity. In my stupor and sorrow I slept with a woman, who, though separated, was still technically married. Disgusting. Disgusting. No excuses, i deserve pain even though i want to hurry up and die. With my luck i'll live 50 more years. This is H***.

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  • It sounds like there are many factors contributing to your depression. Whether it is the abortion, or the war, you need to find some help from a professional. If not, then start working towards rebuilding your life.

  • You should see a social worker, there are many many programs for vets (google them!). they can help you plan a recovery, help you work through your problems with the drugs (especially with manic depression aka bipolar disorder, medicine can help regulate your moods and can change your life). they also can do counselling to make you feel better about yourself. if you have tried to kill yourself multiple times or have suicidal thoughts, you deserve a new perspective on life. Please get help!! I care about you.

  • Yeah ive been in a really,really tough place myself many times, and u sound like ur sorry for what uve done. All i can say is good luck, never give up. I send my love.

  • Quit crying like a b**** and man up, you sound pathetic!
    Be a MAN g****** it!
    Either do something about your life or off yourself with a gun to your mouth!

  • You did something wrong and it will probably haunt you for the rest of your life. But you can choose to never forgive yourself and stay status quo, or you can realize that you aren't Hercules and that you are just a man. And men falter. No one is perfect. No one . You're only 30! You haven't even begun to live. You need to talk to a professional. It's not something to be ashamed of. You say you're a disabled vet. I say maybe you're dealing with a little bit of PTS disorder. It's so common! Everything you described is treatable. It's just telling someone (Mom maybe?) that you're not feeling so hot. It's okay to reach out and ask someone for help. And by the way, a little cannabis never hurt anybody. But stay clean of the other stuff. And you're not unlovable....I love you!

  • Deep ruts are hard but not impossible to escape. Keep trying.

  • Jesus Christ have come to pay for people like you in full. You mustn't think that you are too dispicable to be forgiven by God. You obviously regret what you are and what you've done. All you need to do now, is take your burden to Him, and he will wash you clean. Your dept has been paid in full, all you need to do, is accept it. I speak as someone who have a heavy burden myself.

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