It's only human nature to want to be
It's only human nature to want to be accepted by those around you. Nobody takes you seriously if you're a woman, people hate it if you're smart and God forbid you're that analogous shade of brown that people can't figure out what race you are. Everyone wants to instantly assume that you're either on welfare, in a gang, an alcoholic or a terrorist. They're absolutely sure it all means your kids have different fathers, too. But when they find out you're none of that and that you're actually intelligent enough to have a business and a freelance writing career, it really messes with people's heads. How can you be smart, brown and a woman at the same time? They certainly don't like seeing someone so young so successful by their own hand. It never fails: they say they 'admire you' but then they talk $h*t about you behind your back.
People say- you are so unique! And maybe I am- but unique also means a life of being left out and ignored because you make people feel weird. Sometimes I would rather be the things that would make people more accepting of me. But then- on the other hand- I see what some 'normal' people do and I don't think I could walk around pretending like that all the time. I can see the incredible strain people live under, they're grief. They're sadness- they're fear. They're fear of success.
I can't not succeed. I can't give in. I can't settle for mediocrity. I can't. I have a demon inside that pushes me to the limit and never lets me rest. Never lets me give in. Never lets me settle. Never gives me a moments peace. I tried to settle by being married once. It didn't go well. People, they try to make you feel bad for not adhering to 'the standards'- as if you are purposely breaking the rules. But I'm not. I'm doing what I am being led to do.
I can present a good standard to live by- but too many people get threatened and lash out rather than look for ways to connect. I just wish you'd accept me. I'm not trying to be better or do better than anybody else. I do what I am led to do. There's nothing 'calculated'. I go where I am driven. No, I don't know where I'm going most of the time. I just go and it works out in the end. Must people are too scared to work like that. I've lost so many people out of my life because of it. I've never been with a man who didn't propose to me. Yet, when it comes down to it, the proposal isn't a lifelong pledge of love... just an attempt to keep me on the shelf for themselves...and when they find that can never happen, that what they are attracted to can't be kept, that what they want will no longer allow them to hide and will no longer allow them to settle, suddenly there's no one here but me. Most of the time they never really liked ME anyway- they like what I represented. But life gets lonely. I guess that's why I feel it would be nice to just be accepted. Or just have people to realize- I'm not an alien.
I like who I am. I like me. Live and let live. I live by the philosophy that my failure helps no one. It is my duty and responsibility to succeed. When we shine, we unconsciously give others the permission to shine as well. That's all I want to do. That's all I know how to do. It doesn't make me a pariah. Please don't be afraid of me. Even if you think I am some dirty brown person that didn't do things the 'right' way, I'm still a person. A human being. I will always be that first, you know. I still count. And maybe you're angry that I didn't ask your permission to do the things I've done with my life but I don't have to- I didn't come here to make any one particular person happy. I came here to do good and be of assistance. Don't focus on the things that make me less of a human being for you just so you can feel better about yourself around me. I don't do that to you. I could never. We're here for too short of a time to focus on differences and negativity. Deep down, I think you know that.
Thank you so much for letting me vent. I feel like a 500 pound weight is off my chest.