I Can't Help Myself

I'm so torn. But, if I reach out, I could get pushed away in the process.

Let's start with guy one. He's a really tall (maybe 6ft 3) guy that's not all too outgoing. Sure, he talks more around his friends, but who doesn't? I met him last year in 8th grade art. He sat acrossed from me. Since I thought he was so cute, before we started talking, I'd occasionaly look up at him from my work, blush, then quickly look back down. He'd do the same whenever I caught him looking. One bad thing--the most flirty, sleezy girl in the school sat next to him, and a really mean, rude girl who was crazy for him sat next to me. So, it was kinda hard to try to talk to him. Of course, we did, but he was so shy I was always the one to talk first. That year he was very.. Attractive. Kind of dorky, wore the same jackets, had a fuzzy chin and was simply awkward. I on the other hand had long, straight copper hair, an average figure, with straight cut bangs. I always had guys trying to talk to me, not always hot ones, but guys. We even talked over facebook, there is where I really had a crush on him, he was so much more open. We'll call him.. Alex.

Now, guy two. We'll call him.. Zach. On my first day of High School, I was totally lost. No idea where my first class was. And when the bell was about to ring, I don't know why, but I walked right into the class I had been by. Yeah, I stayed the whole class for fear of someone making fun. The next day, I found out my first class, French, was at a different building completely acrossed the street. I had missed the charter over, so I had to walk, making me late. When I walked in, I was his with a wave of older faces and just a few familiar ones. One of the faces stared so hard it made my stomach churn. This was Zach. He had long hair on the top of his head and short on the sides of his head. By the way he slumped in his seat, the gauges in his ears, and the screamo tee he had on I could tell he was bad. Not a good bad either. On the second day he was kicked out of class for calling a kid numerous names. I had found out from my gay friend that he was terrible. He played my friend, talking to him online so nicely, but declining he even knew him in real life. What a j***, right? I ended up sitting near the kid, occasionaly talking to Zach's friend that sat right behind him. One day, when Zach decided to skip, his friend told me of how cute Zach thought I was. And.. How Zach said he wanted to sleep with me. His friend enlightened me on all the colorful ways he wanted to do so. So, after school, I messeged the guy over face book, "Hey.. Is it true? You know, all those things Blake is saying?". Mind you, Blake and Zach are both two years my senior. He promptly responded that he was "full of s***" but, "he did like my face". He then began to be super cool. I found out my gay friend had been lying to make Zach look bad. Zach was a smoker, had the cough to prove it, and broke the law. Bad boy. Who doesn't want one? Anyway, we talked the next few weeks.

Now for the tricky part. During those few weeks, Alex came back. He was in my English period. And boy did puberty do him wonders. Even taller, a fuller figure, gorgeous eyes, and style to top it off. He was the kind of hard working boy I'd bring home to daddy. We talked. I loved it. But turns out, all the girls like him now. I liked him before. Meanwhile, I was still talking to Zach and learning about his love for cute fluffy things. But, things went bad when he messeged me one day, crying, saying he was going to "end it". I tried to cheer him up, but it only worsened things. He unfriended me, saying him and his ex girlfriend were getting together again, and she didn't want him talking to any other girls. I just.. went with it.

I found out he attempted suicide the next day. I.. haven't spoke to him since.

As for Alex, he got a girlfriend. Rumour has it she's really weird, obnoxious, and mean. She's also a year older. But, I can't help but still crush on Alex. It makes me feel bad, but I can't help myself. Just today he was talking about Pokemon with me. He kept prodding and poking me, having moved to sit near his friends that happened to be behind me. Then, after a few rounds of them, his friends, geting me to turn around for him to say something dumb to me with a smile, they called me. I turned around to see him flustered and his friends snickering. "Alex has something to tell you," "Yeah," Alex hesitated before saying, "You're.. You're my.. Best friend. Best friend. " But, when I turned around, I heard him say "Best girlfriend."

What do I do? Please help me!

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