16th December Although this might
Although this might have occurred several months ago, it is for a matter of conscience very important for me to get the truth out. I invited Farrell to Starbucks after law class one day. We had a constructive conversation that was intimate for several hours. Then unexpectedly she told me “You’re so cute”. In addition, we both leaned in to kiss at that moment. I was for some reason inclined to stop kissing her. We went out to the street. It was drizzling but in a romantic sort of way. I invited her to my house, unaware of why, I was controlled by the cowardly emotions of the male psyche that every relationship should be physical. I invited her into my house and we immediately began undressing. One thing led to another and before I could think about it, it was too late. I was despondent in the hours that followed. I remember being in distress after. I could not constrain my anger. Farrell posted something on my facebook wall and I remember deleting it in a vain attempt to delete the action that had occurred. The next day at school, I found everyone looking and talking at me in another manner. I had always conceptualized that friends would regard yourself without giving much concern for your personal affairs. I clearly was wrong in many ways. That day I said f*** it, f*** life and I did exactly what I knew or at least thought my friends would respond in turn to, by beginning the preliminary relationship process with Farrell. In her world that included s** and foreplay for the entirety. To my dismay, I once again found myself on her bed naked, having intercourse. As it occurred, I knew it that second that the part of me that I had fought for years against had taken me over. That I would not stand for this, that I would not do this anymore. The next day I called it off. I began ignoring Farrell and attempted to move on from the biggest mistake of my life. I know that some people helped me through it and to them I overly gracious. To my expectance, I found myself in the falling out of too many relationships to count with friends, family and self. Never again would I sink myself to such esteem. I had become everything I had fought against. All my life I would be referred to as the nice guy, the guy who might finish last but finish with his dignity in last and now I was the demon that I had despised for so long. I hated the person that I had become. Despite my rationalisation to myself over this event, nothing could seem to make me feel better or feel justified. I had done wrong and I deserved to pay. For 2 months I made sure that I would not go out, that I would not have sexual relations (explicitly or not) and I would learn my lesson. Nearly 5 months later the letter I write not in any way as an excuse for my action but as a final step in the “right direction”, these actions will sting me throughout my life and experiences but it’ll also give me a guideline and a sense of moral direction. They say you live and learn but I believe it is more appropriate to say that you learn and live. Moreover, right now I am living.