16th December Although this might

16th December

Although this might have occurred several months ago, it is for a matter of conscience very important for me to get the truth out. I invited Farrell to Starbucks after law class one day. We had a constructive conversation that was intimate for several hours. Then unexpectedly she told me “You’re so cute”. In addition, we both leaned in to kiss at that moment. I was for some reason inclined to stop kissing her. We went out to the street. It was drizzling but in a romantic sort of way. I invited her to my house, unaware of why, I was controlled by the cowardly emotions of the male psyche that every relationship should be physical. I invited her into my house and we immediately began undressing. One thing led to another and before I could think about it, it was too late. I was despondent in the hours that followed. I remember being in distress after. I could not constrain my anger. Farrell posted something on my facebook wall and I remember deleting it in a vain attempt to delete the action that had occurred. The next day at school, I found everyone looking and talking at me in another manner. I had always conceptualized that friends would regard yourself without giving much concern for your personal affairs. I clearly was wrong in many ways. That day I said f*** it, f*** life and I did exactly what I knew or at least thought my friends would respond in turn to, by beginning the preliminary relationship process with Farrell. In her world that included s** and foreplay for the entirety. To my dismay, I once again found myself on her bed naked, having intercourse. As it occurred, I knew it that second that the part of me that I had fought for years against had taken me over. That I would not stand for this, that I would not do this anymore. The next day I called it off. I began ignoring Farrell and attempted to move on from the biggest mistake of my life. I know that some people helped me through it and to them I overly gracious. To my expectance, I found myself in the falling out of too many relationships to count with friends, family and self. Never again would I sink myself to such esteem. I had become everything I had fought against. All my life I would be referred to as the nice guy, the guy who might finish last but finish with his dignity in last and now I was the demon that I had despised for so long. I hated the person that I had become. Despite my rationalisation to myself over this event, nothing could seem to make me feel better or feel justified. I had done wrong and I deserved to pay. For 2 months I made sure that I would not go out, that I would not have sexual relations (explicitly or not) and I would learn my lesson. Nearly 5 months later the letter I write not in any way as an excuse for my action but as a final step in the “right direction”, these actions will sting me throughout my life and experiences but it’ll also give me a guideline and a sense of moral direction. They say you live and learn but I believe it is more appropriate to say that you learn and live. Moreover, right now I am living.

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  • Well I think you are somewhat overreacting, and that you should value your own quality of experiences over what anyone thinks of you because of them. When it comes to friends or relationship interests, try to wait to find someone that values you for who you really are, not who you think everyone wants you to be. Good job on not being a dumbass like most other people on this site, though.

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