I am a senior in high school. My group
I am a senior in high school. My group of best friends graduated last year. I have found a sophomore to hang out with who is in my drama class, and we've become very good friends, maybe even best friends. Here's the secret, which I've managed not to tell anyone at all. I don't really like her. I don't particularly enjoy her company. Her jokes are generally pretty lame, and recently I've let my guard down and started being sarcastic to her (as I normally am) rather than unconditionally nice as I was to lure her into friendship. I don't know why I'm doing this. She's my only friend in the school. She sits with her own class at lunch and I sit alone--my choice, I'm pretty sure, but other than that we're known as good friends. I'm generally perfectly nice to her--I realized recently that I'm like the mother in D.H. Lawrence's The Rocking Horse Winner, who can't love her children and has a hard stone place in her heart, but compensates for it by treating them nicely and being anxious for their well-being.
I haven't told a single person I know, but I wanted to get this out before I start doing that horifically annoying "I have a secret but I won't tell you what it is" thing. I realize that if anyone I know reads this, they'll know who I am, but I'm reasonably certain that that's unlikely.
I realize there are comments, so here are my questions:
Am I holding her back by stopping her from getting a friend who likes her, or am I providing a useful friendship that will naturally end next year anyway, when I graduate?
Am I a bad person?
Why the h*** am I doing this?