I Don't Think I've Ever Loved Anything

I don't think I really know what it means to love at all. Not just be in love - love anything or anyone. I've never loved anything. Not my parents or any family or friends.

Sometimes I think about what would happen if they died and how it would affect me and in my imaginings I'm never sorry that they're gone, just unhappy that things have changed.

When my grandfather died, I didn't care at all. Not at all. And when my grandmother died, I actually felt a sort of relief. She'd been struggling with cancer and I didn't want to deal with it. When we had family vacations, we'd often stay with her. She taught me a lot - but I never liked her. Whenever I remember her, my mind fixates on the bad memories. I hardly remember anything good at all, even though I know good things happened and I hate myself because of that.

But when my cat died, I cried a lot. I care about a cat more than I cared about a human being! I hate myself so much! I care more about video games and comfy beds and my favorite sweets and learning to code and looking pretty and all this so much more than I've ever cared about people. If all the people in my life died, I'd only be upset because I'd have to deal with the funerals! I hate myself so much! I hate myself so much!

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  • I am a middle-aged man, and to be honest, I feel kind of the same way. I'm married and I have three children. I didn't cry when they were born. I didn't get overly excited. I wasn't excited on my wedding day. I didn't cry when my father or my sister died. I don't remember ever crying. For anything. Ever. Everything that happens to me, I'm just like, "Ok then..." I feel like, 99% of the time, I'm just showing up to places I need to be, and none of it means anything to me.

  • Get help. You clearly need it.

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