A darkness within me.
The comfort found in being an alcoholic or drug addict, an a******, a sexist, bigot, gambler, or s** addict, or a raging liberal / raging conservative, a lustful, gluttonous, greedy, lazy, slothful, wrathful, envious, prideful piece of crap, is blame. The ability to lie to yourself and think, “If I wasn’t enslaved to this thing I could live a happy life, be successful, respected and worthy, desirable and capable” The truth however, I think is darker than that. The truth is though that while these sins do keep you down, they also serve as a kind of shelter: A shelter that protects you from the realization that you are truly inadequate. As my vices are stripped away, i find my life to be less instead of more. Sometimes i wish that i was the type of person that could be emotionally abusive to my wife, keeping her locked in to a state mentally and financially dependant on me. This of course would make us both resentful of each other and still strip away any happiness but at least i could feel a depraved sense of need, desire, purpose, and value.