A darkness within me.

The comfort found in being an alcoholic or drug addict, an a******, a sexist, bigot, gambler, or s** addict, or a raging liberal / raging conservative, a lustful, gluttonous, greedy, lazy, slothful, wrathful, envious, prideful piece of crap, is blame. The ability to lie to yourself and think, “If I wasn’t enslaved to this thing I could live a happy life, be successful, respected and worthy, desirable and capable” The truth however, I think is darker than that. The truth is though that while these sins do keep you down, they also serve as a kind of shelter: A shelter that protects you from the realization that you are truly inadequate. As my vices are stripped away, i find my life to be less instead of more. Sometimes i wish that i was the type of person that could be emotionally abusive to my wife, keeping her locked in to a state mentally and financially dependant on me. This of course would make us both resentful of each other and still strip away any happiness but at least i could feel a depraved sense of need, desire, purpose, and value.


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  • Wisdom is a shelter as money is a shelter, but the advantage of knowledge is this: Wisdom preserves those who have it. Ecclesiastes 7:12

  • An addict has to want to change. Maybe your self loathing is finally a sign that you've reached the bottom. If someone makes the decision to not get help and to not make an attempt that is their business. Unfortunately, they ioften drag their families into their misery through lies and guilt.
    You'be chosen the path of cowardice and selfishness. It's easier for you to have your self pity than to do the far harder task of dealing with your addiction and the underlying causes.
    Get help or get out of your families life so you don't destroy their lives, too.

  • I feel ya

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