I have two kids by accident and I don't want to be a parent.

This post will be a rant so please forgive the typos. I have been married for just over four years. I love my wife deeply and I wish to do no part of life without her. However, less than a year into our marriage we surprisingly became pregnant with our first kid. (I should say that we are not Catholic or anti-birth control. We are super fertile! The first conception was great! The s** was incredible. I had just returned home on a break from touring with my band.) I spiraled into a depression.

Our lives were not amazing. We had very little money, but we had time together! About eight months into the pregnancy I finally accepted that our life was going to change. We would be okay. Our little girls was born healthy.

She was beautiful. I loved her from the moment I saw her. Albeit there were times when her cries were terrible noises that drew out a rage I had never known about myself. She was/is my buddy and that will never change.

About two years later we are strapped with another kid β€” a boy β€” and he is… meh. The second kid was a surprise as well. I haven't fallen for this kid the way I did with my first. My second will be three next February and she has become a mixture of demon, s*** -head, pain-in-the-ass, awesome, funny, whining brat, tyrant, selfish, a******. That sentence is just a light smattering of the names I want to call her to face when she's inconsolable, stuck in a tantrum, toddler etc.

The boy has a cry that is unbelievably loud! His voice is shrill apparently because of his cleft palate. We are waiting to have the corrective surgery. He's pretty funny looking, he's fat, and I love him. However, when he is crying for any number of reasons I think about all the things I could do to shut him up. I've day-dreamed about throwing him through a window, punching him to death, and other horrible things. I have been rough with him, I have lightly bitten him a couple times, and I have left him to cry alone in our bedroom for half an hour. I scare myself when I am alone with him. I hate how much time and investment having to kids requires. I just want to be free again.

I hate the that I do not have free time with my wife. I hardly have enough time to show her how much I love her. I don't have the time to make her special gifts. I don't have the money to take her on a dates. I hate that we are stuck with these f****** pain-in-the-ass kids for the next 18 years. I hate parenting, therefore, confirming that I should never have had kids in the first place. I know that I am "free" to leave my family (even though I am socially conditioned to fear being a dead beat dad so much so that I could not leave unless I had a psychotic episode, numbing all my social consciousness). I hate that I have chosen to post-pone so many of my life goals. I hate my wife and I scrape by month to month and we cannot live where we want. I feel trapped.

I want to be freed of parenting, but I do love my kids. I think about the image of that child on Turkish beach and I cannot help but weep. I imagine my own children in that boy's place; I shudder at the though. I have told my wife a lot of what I have shared here, and she is p*****. She knows that I need help. We can't afford a therapist. I would love to go to a therapist. I've been to one before, but a therapist also confirms my fears that I have a pathos that runs far to deep.

I hate being a parent. I hate that I have to work a s***** job that doesn't pay enough for us to survive. Our small house is enough, but we cannot afford it. Our money will run out. We will have to move, and it's all because I am choosing to be a parent, to support my family (although it isn't enough).

My wife is postponing her career to care for our kids. She is amazing. I wish I shared her temperament. I wish I were as compassionate as she. I miss her a lot. If I had a great job that paid enough, then I may feel a little better about having kids. I am worried that at this point my p***-poor attitude at home already dramatically affected how my children and wife see me. I only want my wife to be happy. I want her to appreciate her husband. I want my kids to have a great dad. But I can't fake it any more. I feel trapped. I feel tense. I hate being a parent.

Sep 4, 2015

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  • How sad, the only thing i wanted in life was a child of my own. I raised the best step son in the world. I raised him to be a courteous gentleman that gets praise from everybody. I taught him to stand up for the kids in school that got picked by the bullies. Imagine if the child had my name and my genes. I'm a 50 year old married man and get sad when people that shouldn't have kids pop the out like a pez dispenser while someone like me was never blessed with my own blood child.

  • Thank you for your honesty in responding to this post. I bet you are an amazing father. I wish you could have had kids of your own. I bet you're at least grateful hat you have a step son whom you love. I wrote the post above when times were rough. I do love m kids, and I can't imagine losing them for any reason. I come from an emotionally and physically abusive home. I'm educated and aware of the trauma that children experience when they live in a abusive home. However, emotions and cognition aren't always aligned. I may be educated, but it's taking a lot of work to work through the systems and dysfunction I lived through as a child. I love my kids, and I work my ass off to care for them. But some days and weeks feel pretty bleak. Some months feels like a life of despair, but maybe that's me being dramatic. My family is my purpose and I refuse to turn my back on my spouse and my kids. Once again, thank you for responding to this. It's good to read from the story of a person speaking g honestly.

  • Life is so hard these days, and being a parent in this economy with rents as high as they are is enough to drive people over the edge.

    Please please please don't ever bite your son again. Remember they are Innocent little gifts from god that need you to TAKE CARE OF THEM.

    If you told your wife she should not leave you alone with them.

    It is hard as a Mother Fxcker but

    you can do it; you need date night with your wife and if you have NOONE to help you guys with that - wait til the kids are asleep and have a few drinks together outside listening to the crickets or birds.

    Someday when your old you'll be glad you have these kids - they will help you.

    Also, when the parents are stressed the kids will feel it too; they may not be able to verbalize it yet but they'll feel it.

    Money is always going to be to be tight, you have to get creative (dollar stores, buying in bulk, no vices - they are costly.

    I pray you get some relief, and please play some music (not loud) to calm yourself.

    Cheap date nights: drive-in, camping, hiking, playgrounds, beaches.

    I hope things get better - read A Purpose Driven Life for perspective - God Bless your whole family!

  • OMG No, that book is such drivel.

  • I laughed, I cried, I hurled. I feel your pain. I wish it was slightly more socially acceptable to say things like... "my kid is such an ass hole!" imagine how much harder it is to say so if you're a woman /mom. I hope you make it back here to vent if you need a "time-out." I'm sorry your wife blames you for your feelings and isn't at least a LITTLE more honest with you. Compassionate or not, being dirt poor, putting your dreams on hold, having a "special needs" child, and 2 kids under 3...she's a dishonest m*********** if she can't admit that some mornings she doesn't want to get out of bed, and some afternoons she takes a little longer to answer that shrill cry than she knows she ought to. Like I said though... Admitting such things is even less acceptable for a mom. And maybe she's doubling down... Knowing how you feel. All that aside... I don't know where you live, but there has to be some mental health centers or professionals out there offering free or sliding scale services. Take the initiative and Google it, then make some calls. You can't go on having thoughts about hurting the kids you know you love. One day those thoughts could run deep enough to become actions.

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