I have two kids by accident and I don't want to be a parent.
This post will be a rant so please forgive the typos. I have been married for just over four years. I love my wife deeply and I wish to do no part of life without her. However, less than a year into our marriage we surprisingly became pregnant with our first kid. (I should say that we are not Catholic or anti-birth control. We are super fertile! The first conception was great! The s** was incredible. I had just returned home on a break from touring with my band.) I spiraled into a depression.
Our lives were not amazing. We had very little money, but we had time together! About eight months into the pregnancy I finally accepted that our life was going to change. We would be okay. Our little girls was born healthy.
She was beautiful. I loved her from the moment I saw her. Albeit there were times when her cries were terrible noises that drew out a rage I had never known about myself. She was/is my buddy and that will never change.
About two years later we are strapped with another kid — a boy — and he is… meh. The second kid was a surprise as well. I haven't fallen for this kid the way I did with my first. My second will be three next February and she has become a mixture of demon, s*** -head, pain-in-the-ass, awesome, funny, whining brat, tyrant, selfish, a******. That sentence is just a light smattering of the names I want to call her to face when she's inconsolable, stuck in a tantrum, toddler etc.
The boy has a cry that is unbelievably loud! His voice is shrill apparently because of his cleft palate. We are waiting to have the corrective surgery. He's pretty funny looking, he's fat, and I love him. However, when he is crying for any number of reasons I think about all the things I could do to shut him up. I've day-dreamed about throwing him through a window, punching him to death, and other horrible things. I have been rough with him, I have lightly bitten him a couple times, and I have left him to cry alone in our bedroom for half an hour. I scare myself when I am alone with him. I hate how much time and investment having to kids requires. I just want to be free again.
I hate the that I do not have free time with my wife. I hardly have enough time to show her how much I love her. I don't have the time to make her special gifts. I don't have the money to take her on a dates. I hate that we are stuck with these f****** pain-in-the-ass kids for the next 18 years. I hate parenting, therefore, confirming that I should never have had kids in the first place. I know that I am "free" to leave my family (even though I am socially conditioned to fear being a dead beat dad so much so that I could not leave unless I had a psychotic episode, numbing all my social consciousness). I hate that I have chosen to post-pone so many of my life goals. I hate my wife and I scrape by month to month and we cannot live where we want. I feel trapped.
I want to be freed of parenting, but I do love my kids. I think about the image of that child on Turkish beach and I cannot help but weep. I imagine my own children in that boy's place; I shudder at the though. I have told my wife a lot of what I have shared here, and she is p*****. She knows that I need help. We can't afford a therapist. I would love to go to a therapist. I've been to one before, but a therapist also confirms my fears that I have a pathos that runs far to deep.
I hate being a parent. I hate that I have to work a s***** job that doesn't pay enough for us to survive. Our small house is enough, but we cannot afford it. Our money will run out. We will have to move, and it's all because I am choosing to be a parent, to support my family (although it isn't enough).
My wife is postponing her career to care for our kids. She is amazing. I wish I shared her temperament. I wish I were as compassionate as she. I miss her a lot. If I had a great job that paid enough, then I may feel a little better about having kids. I am worried that at this point my p***-poor attitude at home already dramatically affected how my children and wife see me. I only want my wife to be happy. I want her to appreciate her husband. I want my kids to have a great dad. But I can't fake it any more. I feel trapped. I feel tense. I hate being a parent.