I am in love with my "to be" niece in law

Please someone talk to me about this without being some perv who's gonna say "Go for it." Or "I'd nail her"
I need help dealing with some very real feelings... Please read on, as I hope this will not be a waste of my time.
I am currently in a relationship with a woman that I am very much in love with. We have been together for over nine years, and I have recently become engaged to her. When we first met, I was introduced to her sisters children. They welcomed me as "uncle" even though I am not. At the time, they were 9 and 11. I took an immediate favor to the older sister, as she was not the typical "Cute kid", or "model child", while her younger sister despite her behavioral problems, was the "family favorite". I bonded with the older sis in a way that I never saw as anything more than me being her "uncle" and as she grew up. She in fact was more disciplined, well mannered, and intelligent. Her appearance was not what her mother want(ed/s) so she was shunned in may ways. I bonded with her because I myself had been in her shoes when I was young, and I know how she must have felt. We share many common interests, and over the years as I have been a mentor and friend to her. I have even shared some of my own "issues" as she has with me.
When she was 15, I realized that my feelings were changing. I started to become attracted to her on a more emotional, and dare I say even physical level. I'm sorry, I am not a pervert, but as she has grown, and matured she's become a very beautiful young woman who happens to share many attributes that attracted me to her aunt, as well as many which her and I have in common on a different level.
It is very complicated. But in my heart I have justified my feelings by telling myself that we in fact are not any where near blood related. I don't think she has the same feelings for me, although we are to this day very close.
I admitted to myself that I am in fact very much in love with her after her 18th birthday. She is now 20 years old, and I cannot stop being in love with her. I myself am older. I am 46 in fact. I know that if I tell her how I truly feel that it would likely destroy the relationship we have, and it would likely hurt her in fact. I can never do that to her. But I've thought so many times, when we say I love you to one another, what she would say if I just stopped and said... No Princess, you don't understand. I am in love with you very much.
She knows that I am more than fond of her, but if I tell her that I'm terrified of what might happen. I've come close to confessing to her aunt more than once as well. And now after what I feel is my confession in this post, I am in so much emotional pain. I do love her aunt very much, and will marry her. But I also feel very passionate about the attraction I have to her.
I had a dream last night about my Princess. I swear on my life I am no pervert, but we were together intimately. It wasn't some twisted perv dream like a dirtbag would have. It was beautiful, and passionate. I love her, and I am in tears as I type this.
Can someone please help me? I know we cannot be together, but I cannot escape the urge to tell her how I really feel inside!

8 Comments

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  • No matter. She knows, it's our unspoken secret. We're still Uncle/Niece, and best of friends. No one who already knew we have a special relationship is any the wiser. Nothing more, nothing less. We did what we do, like we often do. We talked about things. Our relationship is stronger for it.

  • Wow, like six months later and I get an email saying there is a reply to my post only to see there actually 5. WTF?

  • See a shrink, accept the cons of being a frustrated middle aged man, and try not to be a contestant for America's Top Pervert.

  • The feelings aren't real. They only feel real -- and they have become real-feeling -- BECAUSE they can't EVER be expressed, much less acted upon, so they are perfect, or ideal, without any contradictory evidence. What began as platonic has evolved into a fantasy that you know will never become real. It's always -- ALWAYS -- easier to invest in a relationship that will forever remain in your mind than to invest in a real relationship. As long as the relationship stays in your mind, she can't ever resist or reject your "love" for her, she can't ever be the source of any real-life conflict like happens in regular relationships every day, and the possibility will always exist that she actually already "loves" you like you "love" her. But trust me: neither of you is in love (real love) with the other. Allow the relationship just to be what it is, and try to put out of your mind the idea that it can be -- or already is -- more. It isn't. And it won't be. Because it can't be. And if you try to take it apart and reassemble it as something more, it will crumble. And as someone else has already pointed out here, so will your existing relationship. My guess is that as you've grown into the relationship with the aunt, you've found it to be something less than you expected by this stage, or that there is something about her that annoys you: some subconscious imperfection that you don't see in the "perfect" relationship with the niece. I don't know what's at the root of it, but I do know that (1) you should never NEVER breathe a word of this to anyone in the family, or close to any of them, and (2) it would be a good idea to take a few visits with a counselor or therapist, simply for perspective. We are -- none of us -- EVER any good at measuring the validity of our impulses, and I think you would benefit greatly from the thoughts of a professional. Best of luck!

  • It doesn't sound like your "niece" is interested in you. This is something that it is one sided - yours. Nothing in your post alludes to her having reciprocal feelings for you on any level. So if you tell her, make sure your bags are packed. Because you will have forever changed this family's dynamics. At 46, you're probably going through a mid-life crisis where you think going for a younger girl is going to keep you young. Not saying you can't be attracted to someone younger..but the reality is that this young girl has looked to you as her uncle and her aunt's boyfriend. The risks are great. If you can't deal with these feelings, you may have to just leave this family all together. You carrying a torch for this girl and marrying her aunt is unfair to the aunt. If you really love this aunt, you would break up with her and let her find some guy that really can devote 100% to her, not 50%. How do you deal. No doubt, you have feelings for this girl. But it's like any crush that doesn't happen..you deal with it.

  • I never said she was "interested" in me in any romantic sense of the word, nor do I think she is as such. I do know she is fond of me, we are very close in a way I would consider more like friends than Uncle/Niece. We talk about things. I confide in her as much as she does in me. I know I can't tell her and never will. But that doesn't stop me from wanting to!

  • Decide which one is the best for you and make your stand. 20 year old girl change taste in men, the aunt has loved you a long time, is it with losing her? Tough decisions............

  • Damn, that one is really though

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