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Self-loathing thoughts.
It's not the first time I've had them, I've gone a good four years without thinking badly of myself, and in fact, I've felt superior as of late. I don't know what happened, but I crashed and burned, badly. I got a bad cough and started sleeping it off, skipping work, calling out, ignoring everyone, just to stay in bed.
Then I found a lump, and I thought, maybe if I ignore it and keep smoking, it will get worse and I'll die shamelessly, rather than the suicide I've been thinking of now.
You sound depressed. Please call your doctor and arrange to see him and discuss what is going on with you. Also try to get into therapy so that you can work through your depressive issues. Suicide is a waste of life and never solves anything. If ever you feel that way, call a loved one or get to the nearest hospital emergency room. They will help. Be well now.
Feel lucky you have people to ignore ! Some people do not !
Don't ever kill yourself your story could get better time to turn to the next page and move on ! You have people around you be greatful and don't make them have to go through that blaming themselves for your actions you need to look at the good things in life instead of fixating on the bad