Romantic orientation?

I've been really confused lately about what my romantic orientation is. I've known for ages that my sexual orientation is bisexual with a preference for males, but recently I've been thinking about my romantic orientation. I have experienced love before and I've had plenty of crushes, but none have ever lasted long except for the ones that are purely based on physical attraction. I think it's not so much that I don't get romantically attracted to someone but more the fact that the idea of a relationship makes me want to run. Yes it would be nice to know someone intimately but it's entirely possible to do that as a friend. Yes I would love some of the benefits of a relationship like cuddles and company but I'm a very independent person. My best friendships are those that require very few words and they last longer if we don't always speak regularly. My love for people has left me confused as to whether or not it is intense friendship love (which may be why I'm friends with my exes - because we tried to force a romantic relationship when it was just a friendly one so break-ups had no pressure or long term wounds) and my crushes have been shut off when I see negative parts of their personality. I severely doubt that I would be able to uphold any sort of relationship unless it was a purely sexual one (for example if my friend were single I would ask him out to have a laid back relationship with no pressure for it to develop into anything serious). I feel like generally just a cold person who is far too independent and private to want a long term relationship. I don't want to put anyone through a divorce or messy breakup so I'd be fine staying single.

This is where it gets complicated.

For the last year I've been in love with my best friend. He isn't extraordinarily physically attractive, nor is his personality perfect. For whatever reason I want to be with him constantly. I long for his company constantly. The problem is he's straight and I'm a guy so it couldn't ever happen, and I think I've accepted it and dealt with it better than most because as long as I can make him happy it doesn't matter if it's by being his friend or his boyfriend. But I wonder if this has made me slightly bitter towards relationships so it may not be totally accurate.

Basically I feel like unless someone is incredibly special (like my friend is unlike anyone else in any way, I can normally pair people up with similar personalities but it's impossible to do this with him) I will not be able to hold a relationship with them romantically because I don't feel that same attraction as others do.

Am I demiromantic, aromantic or just extraordinarily picky? If anyone can tell me that would be really appreciated. Thank you


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  • "relationship makes me want to run" you answered your own question. I think you are afraid of getting intimate with someone. Opening up to them and being vulnerable, which is normal with "independent" types. So you subconsciously self-sabotage your relationships and choose unavailable people (your friend).

    I suggest you get to the root cause of this. There's always something from the past that we never dealt with -- usually from our childhood -- that subconsciously makes us this way. It could be relationship with family -- perhaps your mom/dad/both parents were never around, so you're afraid to get close to anyone, or it could be something entirely different.

    For a romantic relationship to evolve, you need to be willing to let down your walls, let people in, and give them a chance to see YOU in your true essence. What fear is holding you back?

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