My bf asked me to and now I don't care for him
So after i got back from my first year in school i came home and reunited with my bf whos 26 (I'm 19). He told me that over time I was gone he got into special kind of p***. He says he started enjoying the black guys with white girls stuff and i'm like whatevah floats ya boat. We have always been honest about our s** and tastes so I didn't think much about it. But about a month after I got home he asks me if I'll have s** with a friend of his who happens to be black and he wants to watch it happen. I met him a few times but he wasn't really a close friend of his more like an acquaintance. I told him "No" because it really wasn't my thing. I'll just call his friend John. He told me John really liked me and loved pale girls with big a****. Im' a redhead and so I'm naturally pale but I was kinda p***** my bf thought I had a big ass but whatever.
So he pushed and pushed and he was getting annoying about it starting to invite John over to his place for bbq's and stuff and it was obvious he was trying to spark something. So finally about a month ago I was a little drunk and high at one of his bbqs and my bf's chasing me to the bathroom begging me and I said "fine" almost more because I was annoyed. I didn't think it was going to happen then and there but when i got out of the bathroom John and my bf were sitting in the living room, and John was in his underwear no shirt on I'm like wtf, and now I'm actually p***** off but also I got like this anxiety and fear. Before I can really gather my thoughts John walks up to me and puts his arms around my waist and kisses me. I"m weariing shorts but his hands are just on my lower buns groping when he kisses he's rubbing his bulge on me and yes he's big getting bigger etc.
I won't bore you with details but he f***** me on my bf's couch and even though I was resistant to enjoying it about 10 mins into it I basically got so aroused I loved it. But almost after when John left I felt tons of self-loathing. So I stormed out and went home.
So my bf's texting me asking what's wrong over and over and trying to call me I'm ignoring him then i get a text from guess who? John. Only he's not apologizing at all he's basically sexting me very graphically, talking about "black c***" and my "white p****". I should be offended because his texts are borderline racist. Only I'm actually turned on and next thing you know I'm at John's apartment now and he's f****** me again.
So now John and I have been bascially f****** like rabbits. He doesn't seem to care about relationships he just likes the s** and I like it too though it's getting a bit shallow and repetitive with the racial crap. My bf is begging me to do it again only I'm like "No way" even though were still having s** behind his back. It's like if my bf saw us he'd KNOW we've been doing it because were so comfortable with it now. ANd I haven't had s** with my bf, because I've lost all sexual attraction to him.
I'm going to dump his ass when i go back to school and that will be the end of my time with John too. So f***** up, and I still have a little self loathing, but mostly I'm just p***** at my bf. Oh well...clearly we're ALL screwed up in the head.