addicted to suffering?
i wonder if i bring all this suffering upon myself? i am a good person, compassionate, generous & kind. but i am also a coward. always was & ashamed. i suffered with depression, anxiety & related chronic pain, back spasms, headaches etc my whole life so it seems. i broke every promise i ever made to myself or others. i lie pathologically. i even believe my own lies. i go through fazes of self empowerment where i love myself, have blind faith that somehow this nightmare will end but then reality hits me & i hate myself because i am the one to blame. i failed my marriage & after divorce i dated a married man for 6 years. dont know if i believe in love anymore. right now i am totally f*****. i am in a relationship with a abusive a****** who i love madly. the s** sucks most of the time because he is a coke head & an alcoholic, ot to mention manic depressive. i was naive to believe he was a good man when i met him. i didnt even drink when i met him. now i am abusing pain killers & coke & selling my body behind his back to save up some money so i can leave him. this is all much more complicated then that. i am a terrible mother to my 16 year old son. he was troubled since young age, now he is in boarding school that my parents pay for because i am broke. i have no savings to my name. i spent & mismanaged all my money.
all i know how to do is sell my body. i feel worthless. i have no goals or passion anymore. i am a failure & my weakness is my shame. now i feel even worse that i am writing this. i believe in God but i wish i knew what it is he wants me to learn from all this? i just get by day by day not caring if i live or die. i am addicted to s**. i obsess with sexual thoughts & my frustration with my man's inhibited sexuality is driving me crazy. i just pray & hope for some kind of a miracle. now i sit here while he is asleep thinking if he knew this he would kill me....maybe thats not such a bad thing? i tried suicide many times but it never worked. like a cat i survived some crazy close calls in my life & now i am starting to think maybe i am here for a reason? i am not a hateful person but i am bitter. i envy these people whose lives are so simple. they are well adjusted, they make a good living, they sleep well at night, they have good s** with their partner, they have goals & dreams they have peace. there is a constant war going on inside me. all i want is peace & happiness. i know i deserve it. i know its all my fault. now what?