A Unique heartache

Love is a weird feeling. Isn't it? Sometimes you want it and sometimes you just want to be alone. I have too much going on in my mind to feel anyone's love. I don't date at all because after going through so much and after fighting with everything life brought into your life all these years, my heart has become numbed. People think I don't want to fall in love, but what if you tried and you found yourself not feeling a thing for anyone? You look at these men wanting to get to know you but you don't want to because you've never lived for yourself in order to feel what's yours.

Sometimes you look at these men and realize maybe he could be the one, but then you take a step back and universe does everything to get that new person get back into your life to make you realize the reality of these people. You're still numb. But when they put efforts to get intimate with you, you push them away. You feel your heart tearing into two pieces and you get overwhelmed by the feeling and end up crying. You don't know that person, but you've looked at them so well that you're well aware that they'll be playing some kind of a role in your life and your too broken to take it anymore.

There could be few possibilities why I feel this way.
1) I'm too scared to be loved.
2) maybe the wounds aren't healed.
3) Some people enter your life to dig more wounds in your heart through selfish reason and you're too protective of yourself to let it happen.
4) I'm well aware people are here to hurt me, but I'm intimidated to have any kind of emotional connection with anyone outside of my family.
5) they've only entered my life for their own beneficial or to use me.
6) They're in my life to take someone back into their life, which is why you aren't well attached to many of your friends because you know one day they'll be gone.
7) Maybe because I'd lived with myself so much all these years that I'd begin to love myself when I needed someone.
8) Maybe I haven't met the person to make feel the way I should.
9) I'm tired?
10) I'm truly not ready to fall for anyone.

I'm not a sexual person to be frank. When guys talk stuff based upon sexual content, I take ten steps back. They think that's what I want or would want, but I never did. I'm too much of an asexual for their sexual liking. I believe in spiritual love. I'm not the kind of person who would see herself falling in love, and I wouldn't force myself to do it either.

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