Account Login
Dear dad
I question every day if it was the right decision to tell the doctors not to leave you on the machines. I wish you had been in a coma, the decision would have been so much easier. I think I'm happy that you got to meet my son before you died. I'm mad at you for not picking up a ** phone to call me over the past 20 years. Sending me $100 for Christmas after 20 years meant nothing and only brought me pain, anger and sadness. Now it's leaving me questioning if I did the right thing by not calling you. I hate how you never apologized for being a terrible father. I hate how you didn't even consider trying to provide for my brother and I when you passed. And here I am, hoping that I did the right thing by trying to follow your dying wishes. Not fair.
Hugs to you. Been here, done this. It's one of the hardest things you can do, deciding when to let an ailing loved one/relative go-- and society will mess with your head no matter which way you choose.
It's even harder when your history isn't as warm and fuzzy as you would have liked. Resentments and regrets both take on huge proportions, and now you'll never have a chance to directly resolve them (although don't kid yourself, just because someone's alive doesn't mean you can make any headway then either!).
Keep breathing, be glad he's free and you don't have to worry about any of that anymore, and be kind to yourself as you process this stuff. It really does get easier with time. Good luck!
I'm sorry you are going through this - you don't deserve it