I've had an eating disorder for about three years now. It's a terrible terrible devastating disease. I am 21 years old, trying to come into my own, which is pretty rough when I binge and purge daily, sometimes twice a day. It feels awful. I do it to numb my emotions, I do it to release my tension. I do it when I'm sad, scared, happy, anxious, want to avoid my feelings or want to avoid work. It makes me feel lazy, pathetic, and hopeless. I'm on anti-depression medication but it doesn't seem to be helping much.
I'm a pretty girl, I have a great family, a great boyfriend, and a bright future...or at least I did have a bright future. The eating disorder makes the future seem like what daily life is like now... and everyday has become h***. I can't escape it, and I can't tell my family...they've been through too much already. I could tell my boyfriend, but I don't want him to see me in that light.
I feel like I'm never good enough. I feel like a phony. I feel like a liar. I feel like there is more I could do to recover but I'm too lazy. I feel like there's a part of me that doesn't want to give up the comfort it brings me. I've traded friendships and opportunities for nights in with food and a toilet. I wish I knew nothing of this pain.