I'm miserable and my whole life is a lie.
Like the title says, everything in my life feels like a lie and I've become totally f****** miserable. I have a girlfriend I'm not sure I really love. She's pretty but overweight, and I've always been attracted to smaller girls. I guess that's why I have a strong attraction to a girl three-and-a-half years younger than me at work (I'm 19 since August, she'll be sixteen in December). She's cute, flirty, funny, sweet, and just my type. I guess that's also why I'm still in love with my ex girlfriend, who I can't see anymore because she's in foster care 500 miles away and has no communication devices.
But no one knows this. My girlfriend thinks I'm in love with her. I'm genuinely not sure that I am. No one knows about my little flame.
Besides all that, I don't really feel like a male. I'm not quite trans, but I've never felt truly masculine - only varying degrees of feminine. And when I show or say it, I'm demonized for it.
Oh, did I mention there's a slim possibility I have a baby with the ex I mentioned earlier? Because there is. We only used condoms and they broke a lot. So... yeah.
But again, this simply isn't a part of my life I feel I can share. None of this is. I feel like I have to bend over backwards just to maintain appearances. I'm sick and tired of it. I want it to end.