Not the Brady Bunch

My wife and I got married almost three years ago, my second marriage, her fourth. I have one kid from my first marriage, and she has one by each of her first three husbands and two more by extramarital relationships (with married men). We have one child together. All the kids have different last names. No one gets along with anyone else. It's a f****** nightmare and we were fools to think we could make this work. We can't. I would get out, but with her history, I think she's the one most likely to bail, and it's likely to be soon. I want her to be the one to pull the plug so she doesn't blame me for doing it. This type of arrangement is referred to in society as a "blended" family, but there is no blending here whatsoever. None. It's a gigantic m************ mess. My point here? Don't mix families. You can't make one out of many. F***!

Oct 25, 2017

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  • This is a tragic should get now. get out now.

  • You were blinded by the p****. You aren't the first. You won't be the last.

  • I'm afraid this is true. The p**** was spectacular. Still is.

  • She'll blame you anyway

  • You're probably right, but she won't be able to convince herself of it as easily if she is the one who quits.

  • This situation sounds super challenging. Have you gone to a marriage counselor or even a family counselor that specializes in blended families (there has to be something/someone). How old are the kids? Are their fathers in their lives? You can make a family out of many, but it's work. Maybe you have to start with what's the need/void with each and how do you and your wife go about fulfilling it. First the relationship with your wife needs to be on track and you both are on the same page. They also have to respect you and depending on their age, they probably all have their own opinions. Would it make sense for you to adopt them all so they have your last name? Or some hyphenated form so that their bio father aren't forgotten? Love is great and you guys can do this, but it's work. You have to figure out what the core of the problems are and then a way to fix them. Right now you're just surviving. You have the tools, you just need to use them or find better tools for the job. Reboot and change the things are not working. And then when you introduce new things, stay consistent. Nothing is ever all that easy especially where family dynamics is concerned. Don't give up, I think you guys can do this.

  • We actually went to a counselor for several months before we got married, and then more afterward, hoping to know what to expect. So, we thought we were prepared and capable going in, and things went well for most of the first year. As it stands now, however, she is opposed to counselling. [Some of my friends say that just shows that she's looking around -- and f****** around -- for her fifth husband.] None of the other fathers are directly involved (although three of them occasionally offer financial support from afar), but in a way, that makes it easier because there are no competing or conflicting expectations or standards of behavior, nor any criticism from the other dads: it's just me. As for your last observation, I think you may be right: I may have just surrendered. But I'm not seeing any effort from her, so that makes it hard to keep trying if the result isn't appreciated or even acknowledged. I've thought about just going back to our counselor on my own, and I may well do that. Thanks for your insights. Much appreciated.

  • That's why you just hit it and quit it.

  • LOL. It's so ironic that you said that, because that's exactly what I thought I was doing on the night we met. I was introduced to her at a bar by a friend of hers that I used to work with 12 or so years ago. She didn't introduce us as a hookup, but we hooked up big time that first night and for weeks following. But she was soooooooooo f****** good that I . . . just . . . could . . . not . . . believe it. In fact, I still can't believe how good she is in bed. But I get your meaning: you're saying I'm old enough to know better, and you're right.

  • And did you not see this coming?

  • We knew it was going to be difficult, but we thought we could work through it all, whatever came our way. We thought that our love would strengthen us against what was coming. We were wrong. We were, I suppose, insane to believe we were strong enough.

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