I'm in love with my best friend's girlfriend
I'm 19, and i was never loved by my parents, i was raised by my two paternal grandparents because when i was 5 i accidentally kill one of my brothers. My grandfather died when i was 13, and my grandmother has alzheimer so she doesn't recognize me. I made friends with the grandson of one of my grandparents friend when i was like 7, he is 5 years older than me. He enter in the navy at 18. Because neither of my parents wanted to live with me, when my grandfather died, i have to go live with one other of my grandparents friends. Their house was enormous with rooms who they rent, and they have two daughters, with the older one being two months younger than me, and the younger one beign 4 younger than me. The two of them work. They put in the most distanced part of the house from them. I never really spent a lot of time with them. When i was 14, me, and my friend in the navy have s**, he was 19 and still i last more and my d*** was bigger. It wasn't until two years later that the older daugher and i started talking, and we really connected, we both share a love for old music, old movies, old books. Seeing that, the younger sister, told me that she was the girlfriend of my friend, since she was 13 and he 18. Neither one of them have told me that. When i was 16 i have accident and have to stay in bed for a week, and she looked for me, brigning me food and spending time with me. While that, she asked why my parents never have called me by phone, so i told her the thruth and she said ''you shouldn't be sad, you are very handsome, and intelligent.'' So i kissed her, and she correspond for a time, but then she slapped me very angry and scream, how you dare. And didn't talk me for like a month. After that she started talking to me like nothing have happened, and she have a light in her eyes when she talked to me. Months after, she asked me what poems did i know by memory, i tell her, and while she was listening to me she started looking at me like she in love with me. So i kissed and she correspond, but then she slapped me and said how you dare you c***. And then she is started looking very angry at me and she kissed me again, then she stop and said i hate you, why don't you suicide you trade, and was looking very angry but started crying so i leave. She didn't talk to me for like two months. Then she started talking to me again like nothing, then she ask me why i don't have a girlfriend a i said to her f*** you. I leave her and she started crying. I feel very bad for that so i apologize and then she kissed me, but then she slapped me, and say f*** you lacy. Then i tell her f*** you, why don't you go f****** you father (because she is very close to him). I didn't talk to her for like three months. This s*** was starting to look like a joke. She was still with my friend, who like was in navy the majority of their relationship was based in letters (she really like old things), so they didn't spent a lot of time togheter, none of them have told something about the other. She wanted to talk to me again like nothing but i ignored her, but then i just forgive and started responding to her. I get a girlfriend when i was 17, and she started ignoring me, stopped talking to me, then one day she told that if i didn't break up with her she will told his father that i tried to rape her. I said f*** you, and the she say, sorry, it's just that i want you only for me and took my arm. I just leave without saying anything. Then i started to feel bad and couldn't sleep during two days, and realize that i was with that girl only to make her jeaulous, and that i love her, i love everything about her, so i broke with that girl, and she get back to being friends with me. We started talking a lot, i don't know, but it looked like his younger sister told his father about our relationship, so he told me that he thought that i was a good person and all, but thath i should get a girlfriend. I could have tell him that i used to have one, but his daugher tried to blackmail me to leave her, but i didn't, i just assent with the head like the idiot i am. So i get another girlfriend, but the same thing happens, she stopped talking to me, and then i realize that i love her, not the girl with i was. So i leave the girl and his brother beat me, leaving me with a black eye. One day she and i started talking through, and she started talking that when she marries she want to use a dress similar to the one used be the queen (i like monarchy, i'm a conservative, but she really loves the royal family, and not just britain, also of the rest of europe and japan, even have books and photos of the queen, and is going to see the wedding of prince harry, despite not liking the girl she is marrying with because she is a divorced, black, american actress, i don't know how she say that when she is f****** crazy, but i'm deviating). Then i told that she is the only woman in the world that i love, and i kissed her, but then she slapped me again, and say i have a boyfriend (she is still, after all these years with my friend), why don't you go to kiss some of your whores who you date. So i leave her. After that i get 18 and enter RAF, because i really hate school, and i wanted to be someone in life, i really like politics, i wanted to be and MP, and the only way that i can be a politician without studying will be is throught military. She is working like his father's secretary, she is very conservative and religious and believes that thing of being a virgin till marriage, i'm also on the right but i'm more of a libertarian, and non-deminational christian, but thanks to her i didn't have any lasting girfriends in my teenage years and the only s** i have was with a woman i blackmailed (i regret that), a man and a despeched girl of my class, who also ignored after that, so i guess i am a expert in surrounding me with idiots, even my parent are one, maybe i am also and idiot for loving this crazy idiot. I was free for a weekend so i went to see her. She always used vintage hairstyles (she really likes old things). After being with his family we go for a drive in his father van (she knows to drive, but i don't), she said to his father that it was to see my grandmother. His father let her, after all he trust in me to say that i should get a girlfriend. My grandmother was in a rural home for the elderly because she has alzheimer, she doesn't recognize me. We get to the rural part, i saw a beautiful landscape and asked her to stop. She did, we get down, and she take my arm and say, you are my best friend, i don't know what i will do without you. So we get on the van, it was a very rural part. Inside the car i tell her that i loved her, i tell her everything, how she was the best part of my life, that i didn't have any friends, how alone i have fell all of my life, that she is the only constant person in my life, so i kissed her, she didn't do anything. Then she started grabbing my her, and we started kissing more passionately, i started toucking her leg and she said, no, quietly, so i stopped, i saw her face and she was like looking me with l***. I kissed her again and i started touching her leg again and the she didn't do nothing. I started kissing her in the neck, then she said, i love you, i love you, i love you, we go to to the back part, and she said be gentle, i'm a virgin, so then i realize that i was going to f*** her, i f*** her, she was so tight, even more than my friend (his boyfriend), she scream like crazy, she scream Poldi (she calls me like that, my name is Leopold), i f*** like more than half hour, we only did it in missionary i wanted to change possitions, but she said ''don't try weird s***, like this''. I didn't have a condom so i eyaculated outside. Then i lied besides her. Then i wanted to do it again, and we did, and this time she also didn't want to change position, this time i only dure like fifteen minutes, i also c** outside. Then we have to dressed, we drive back, she smile at me all the way, she told that she was in only with me, since i get to his house, that i didn't talk to her. We didn't go to see my grandmother because it was to late, we get to his house, and i leave her, after eating with his parents, she did not say beside me, i leave. She say goodbye to me and kissed me in the cheek. In the next time i was free i also when to see her and his parent weren't at home, so we go to his room and f***** again. This year i went to see her and she was presenting my friend to his parents, i feel very bad, at least only his parents and my friend didn't know that i have f***** her, not she know that i have had f*** him. When he leave, i asked why, she told me crying that i didn't love her, that if idid her i wouldn't have had any girlfriend. I just leave, i didn't even talk to her, but then she took my arm and started kissing me, i just leave, but she hit me with something, i don't know what, but she leave a mark. I said to her that she could f*** that idiot, after all i have already f*** him when i was 14 and he 19, she look with a face of terror, and then i told her that i was going to talk to my friend that i f*** her, she told me that she haven't have had s** with anyone besides me, but that now she hate me, then i said to her i loved you, because i'm the bigger idiot, i told her that i was going to tell him, and that after that i suicide, she said no, crying, saying sorry. I leave her and leave that place. In free again but i didn't go to see her, i didn't told my friend, but i started contemplating suicide, i think of my lonely life and how far my dreams seem from where i am now. My grandmother died, and the most probably i'm to see her, my parents, and my friend at the funeral. What should i do?