Just An Object

Once again, I've allowed myself to be used only for my body. He says we're "in a relationship" and that I'm "his lady." But I know this is all BS. It's always BS. He only wants s**. They always only want s** from me, because I'm not worth loving. I'm just flesh; flesh that they can feed upon to their satisfaction until they've grown bored and eventually move on.

I feel dead inside. I pretend to be "in the moment" and happy in this "relationship." I smile and laugh with him. I talk and engage, but really I'm disconnected. I'm completely numb to all of this and only stay so that I'm not alone. In truth, I wish that I were dead. I've contemplated suicide and even attempted this year. He has no idea. He has no idea about the darkness that I carry inside of me every day. And he won't know. It's not his burden to bear. That's what shrinks are for, which I see regularly (something else he doesn't know).

I've been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, PTSD and Generalized Anxiety Disorder since I was a child. I'm now in my 30s. No medication works. I've been classified as "treatment resistant." I battle all of this alone and don't share this with him because he doesn't need to know. I'm merely a piece of meat for him to take carnal pleasure in. He doesn't need to trouble himself with my problems. He says he cares about me. I nod and smile but don't believe this for a moment. Why would he? Why would anyone? I'm worthless. I'm nothing. I'm a thing to be used; nothing more.

I don't know how much longer I can keep this "happy couple" charade up. The longer I'm in it, the more suicidal I feel. On the flip side, if I'm alone...I feel suicidal. It's quite the conundrum. So I will continue on, going through the motions, giving him pleasure while I slowly fade further away until there's nothing left. Maybe this will give me the boost I need to finally end it. I'm just tired of not feeling. I'm tired of being just an object.

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  • If what you're saying is true then: you want help,you may or may not realize that but you do or ya wouldn't be posting,when i was numb i I didn't have anyone to tell me anything but luckily i knew already to try n see if my thoughts of who,how i was were real or just perspective,so i experimented...now you know you so the specifics you'll have to decide but generally purposely test people to see if they see you as an object now after you get your answer if it's yes then you need to change your environment as a commenter already suggested,now if it's just perspective in other words just you thinking others see you as an object then think realistically,have you always been numb? Do you not know what you have to offer? Like kindness, knowledge,wisdom,insight, perspective,joy...are you creative i.e singing, writing songs or stories,drawing,painting,puzzle solving, sports or video gaming?? Do some soul searching find who you are realistically good n bad then find the environment or create it (like changing friends,distancing from certain friends or family or being closer to others) find a hobby and/or job you like doing and make an impact in this world... remember if there is a realistic negative then there's a realistic positive...just facts..you have the tools you just need pointed in the right direction n when we find ourselves in that position it really means we need to hear some general perspective on our lives cuz only us individually can know or change the specifics so try what i suggested and you'll see that you have a wealth of real positive to give the world and yourself, sending love and best wishes your way and also if anyone who reads this needs or wants to talk to me about their life or anything i could help with just comment, it's free,from the heart and can't hurt,ill keep checking and if you are serious ill give you the details of how to keep in touch with me and oh yeah im just a normal guy not affiliated with a company or anything

  • She's okay...she's fine. She was here to just empty her self. She has the solution to deal with this

  • Also try changing your surrounds or environment. When things were bad for me and I moved away from it all, I realized just how toxic the old environment and people there were.

  • Most of what you put isn’t true. It’s the illness talking. The only advice I can give that I think might reach you is to stop pretending and start living. MOVE! DO! These two words are what you need to do to slowly get out of this stupper. It will take some time and progress will be slow. Do an activity everyday. Do an active social activity at least once a week. Getting out of the house helps. Find some inspiration / hope somewhere. If you believe in God, start there. If you do not the try to feed your spirituality... your soul...you. I want to say stop having s** but if that is something that you feel you need to keep him, I am not going to say get rid of him. Saying that might make you truly feel alone and do something irreversible. Talk to the suicide hotline also. You can stay anonymous! Please try something. You are reaching out online so why not take SOME kind of advice... what have you got to lose 😃 sending you my best wishes and prayers.

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