End of my rope again
I used to be really suicidal. i suffer from borderline personality disorder and i struggled with severe anxiety and depression for many years. im 26 and I still havent finished school, I have a huge bald spot, and my ex left me a year ago and got pregnant off some f******* literally 3 days after we broke up. she was the love of my life. im 20000$ in debt and I live with my mother who I love very much but I hate spending time with her because she always finds a way to talk down to me. everyone always talks down to me and my life is not my own. i constantly have to adapt. doing the right thing by other people has always been my life goal but i find i have no life because of it. and the writing and exercising i used to enjoy doing now frustrate me because everything feels like a stupis f****** waste of my time. so to feel anything but s***** i just lay in my room and smoke weed and watch movies all day. i try to get projects started but i feel nothing i do ever matters. i couldnt even protect my ex from the lifestyle she has now and i loved her more than anything and warned her constantly that people may take advantage of her kind nature. for nothing. nothing i do matters and all people do is take me for granted and abuse my generous nature. im not perfect at all. im forgetful i can be self righteous and i have a temper but i try very hard not to put others down or take pleasure from their pain. i just dont understand the need to do it to me. i wish i did. im out of weed so ive been taking cough syrup and painkillers just to feel something other than awful. not a whole lot or anything just enough to be buzzed. the world is just so full of lies and judgement and i dont trust that anyone not even my own family has my back. and i know some of that is my paranoia. but i feel like a different species from other people. im kinda miserable and i dont know what i can do to make a difference in the world or for myself. i feel so so alone. normally im okay with these things but lately ive just been so depressed. i just needed to vent. i know God loves me and if I keep the faith I can perservere. there is just so much darkness in the world and i can feel
it seep into me and...yeah.