---Transformation into a demon---
For the moment, I have been merely lucky. We'll see if it runs out this time.
Last week, a five year old girl that I babysit for fondled my aroused genitals. Her hand was down my pants for at least a whole minute. Yes, I did cross a line. The only thing I haven't done at this point is show it to her virgin eyes.
Assuming I make it out unscathed, I plan to turn over a new leaf and make my future visits without regret. I think it's still possible she will not be scarred if I stop now. It's not too late for her. She said she loved me earlier in the same day. Obviously, I understand, she's just having a good time and we do legitimately fun things together. She is always so disappointed when I have to leave. The fact is she is autistic and I have ultimately, though not initially intended to, taken advantage of that, it would seem. So yes, I would be considered a a child molester of the non-physically-violent variety.
While she was fondling it, she asked if it was disgusting (I previously have said it is in an concerted effort to correct behavior in the least shocking way). I said, "yes it is disgusting". She said "no, how can it be, this is fun", while squeezing and moving it around.
However, reality check! Moments later, I got up and felt 100% regret. I was so mortified that I went to try and finish myself in the bathroom but I could no longer even hold a proper erection and had to e******** flaccid (such was extent of my disappointment with myself).
It's still possible to take control and I must. If it's not too late for me -- if she doesn't out me, then I must. I've been with her for two years. If it's not too late, I will try my best to take control.
I'm scheduled to see her again next week.