Am I gay?
When I was like 8 years old I used to stay over night now and then at a friend's house. There were three brothers. I was closest friends with the middle brother.
In the night a lot of times, my friend's older brother, about 5 years older than me, would come and get into the bed or sleeping bag with me and start feeling me up and playing with me. I always just pretended I was sleeping, partly because I didn't know how to face it and partly because it felt good and, I confess, I liked it. Nothing was ever said between the two of us about it and this went on for years on sleep overs. Needless to say, sleepovers became something I really look forward to. A lot of times he would take my hand and place it on his c*** and move it up and down to get himself off. It was horrible yet so ..... Hot
At 12 yrs old, my family moved away and I didn't see these friends as much any more, but occasionally we would go on ski trips together. Although the "secret fun" hadn't happened again in years,
one time, I think I was then 14 or 15, the sleeping arrangements put myself and the oldest in a bed together. Even after two or three years, I have to admit, there was some kind of anticipation that I could feel. But when bedding down, I remember staying as close to my edge of the bed as I could, facing away from him in a half-assed attempt to avoid what I knew might happen. Well, I fell asleep but, of course, was awakened quite close and facing him, with his hands feeling me. Once again, I have to confess, it felt great. It seemed such a turn on!
Anyway, this time was different. He pulled me toward him, put his c*** between my nut sack and thigh and held and humped me that way until he came all over me.
But I kept my form! Still did the pretend sleep thing through it all. We both got up and cleaned up at separate times, went back to sleep and, once again, it was never mentioned.
That was near the last time I saw those guys. Time went on, I got married, had kids ....... all that. But at about 14 yrs of marriage I ended up divorced.
I don't know if I can blame them but those episodes stuck in my mind like crazy over the years. And when reflecting on it, it would always cause me to feel h****, feminine and submissive. Somehow I felt as if I needed some kind of "man attention". And while it was a desire, at the same time it made me sick. Made me feel gay. Which I didn't want to be .
Anyhow, being single and alone, about 4 years ago I indulged myself on a Craigslist ad. Met with a guy. Dove into it being almost afraid I might like it. I was right. And now one encounter has led to another, and another.....and so on.
Now I find it really drfficult to stop and seem to thoroughly enjoy being submissive and somewhat feminine for "top" guys. And the worst of it is, they aren't hard to find.
It's a struggle, because I feel it is so completely wrong. But denying myself seems so hard.
That's my confession. Not sure if I feel better or worse after making it.