So much confusion

I don't know if I just convinced my self early on that I was gay or if I am or was or am just confused but I have so many feelings going on that I don't know what to do with them all. I always had it in my mind I was going to save my virginity until I was 18 and I did, But somewhere around 14 I started getting those feelings and started playing with myself, My next older sister (3 years older than me) was gay and it just kind of seemed easier to me, She and her girlfriend had been together since like grade 10 and when I was 14 they moved in together.
I used to spy on her and her girlfriend and it really got me worked up which transitioned into me and a friend of mine messing around which since there was no "Penetration" seemed like I had been staying within my boundaries of holding onto my V card. We started messing around from somewhere half way between 15 and 16 and by my "Sweet 16" we took it to the next level and had a full on hook up. It really seemed like this was just the way it was going to be until I was three weeks from 17 and I had gone on a road trip with my oldest sister (6 years older than me) and her husband, They were looking at moving half way across the country and were just going to check out the city and area they were considering moving to for her husbands work.
They had a fifth wheel camper with a rear bedroom and front kitchen which is an odd layout now but it was actually a really nice setup, Regardless we had set up in a campground and one night they had gone to bed and I was going to stay up by the fire, I walked down the road to the bathrooms and on my way back I could see that the light was on in the rear bedroom and the blinds were closed but one of them was stuck and the light was pouring out through the gap it left. I was young and curious and even though I felt I was 100% into girls I couldn't help taking a little peek and as it turned out the blind that was open was right beside the bed which meant I could have basically leaned in the window and been involved.
The scene laid out in front of me was of my BIL who is an attractive guy but I wasn't really into guys, Or so I thought but he was sitting on the edge of the bed and where I was was basically kind of behind him to his right, My sister was standing in front of him and although she has absolutely perfect b****** I was obviously not into my sister but...I found myself still watching, Luckily I was on the side of the camper facing the trees so no one would have been able to see me and it was really dark there. He was cupping them and playing with her nips and whatever and then...She pushed him back on the bed and he slid back and there it was without a doubt less than an arms length away right in front of me and if they would have seen me I would have looked like a total weird perv staring wide eyed through a gap in the blinds, I was in shock, I had truly never seen one in real life and his seemed at the time to be impressive, I don't actually know but it looked quite large from what I knew about them it looked long, thick and I don't know if he shaved it or just isn't real hairy down there but it was very different than I had pictured in my mind.
I watched to the end, To the part I always thought would be the worst part and he pulled out She half sat up, He put it in her mouth and I stood there watching her as she swallowed moaning and squeezing his b**** as he jerked and tensed up and then he laid back down and she got up and went into the bathroom, I stood there watching as he laid back and he went like half soft and then started stroking it and it went right back hard again. My sister came out of the bathroom and looked at him, I seen her mouth the words "Oh my god, WTF" and he wiggeld it at her, She sucked it quick and then straddled him and sat on it like it was nothing, I was like "Oh s***" and they were going again. So during round two I found myself with my hand in my sweat pants and had a you know what standing in the dark outside the camper then went back and collapsed in my lawn chair for a bit.
When I went inside it was all quiet and I went to bed, We did our thing the next few days and I caught myself looking at him more than I should, We went home and my friend was happy to see me, We did our thing and it just wasn't doing the trick like it had previously, I was getting off but not the strong, Full body, Complete satisfaction o****** I had previously experienced. That winter we went to Mexico as a family and there were a few boys checking me out, My oldest sister kept joking about it and our middle sister was like "EEWWW", My oldest sister tole me I had the body every guy liked to look at. I'm tallish, Slim with just more than a handful up top and a few of them came over to flirt and my sister was sure to inform them all that I was under 18. That night I was sitting out front of our room and watching the evenig entertaiment but hadn't gone there with the rest of my family and along came a guy, No shirt, Rippling abs ya know, the whole thing. He stopped and flirted and then asked if I would like to go for a walk to the water, I figured yeah whatever, we were beach front so I could still see our room from the water and we went and sat on the beach talking, He kissed me, I kissed him, He had his hand in my top, I slid my hand in his shorts and found a considerably smaller p**** than I was expecting but had no experience with them so didn't really know. Just then I seen my family coming back and excused myself from the situation returning to the room.
Next night he came around again and asked if I wanted to go for a walk, My parents warned me to stay on the beach out front and not to leave the resort property, We found a secluded spot and started making out, I had my toop off and he had his shorts down trying to convince me to suck it, I didn't but he was hooked, Again the next night we strolled the beach to our spot and that night I let him paly downstairs and it went further than expected and he did oral then he basically jumped up and tried to shove it in me, I jumped back, stopped him and explained my situation, He flat out begged and I stood my ground but let him j*** it while he touched me and made him leave it in the sand.
Every night we went for walks and fooled around and I was really liking what he was doing and he was good at it, My parents weren't happy about me going off with this guy because he was older than me (22) oops but my oldest sister had explained to them that it wasn't as worrysome as they thought because I had a plan to wait which made them lighten up a bit. Well...Our second last night there I went too far and found myself in the sand on my back and again after oral he got on top and I didn't stop him. Just too worked up or whatever and he didn't finish me orally which he had done before putting me in a better position to be of clear mind, He finished inside and I freaked a bit, Being with only girls before that I had not been taking "the pill". I got up and freaked a bit and he said "Wait, Wait" and I said I had to go, I briskly walked back to the room and went to the bathroom, Afterward I went out and sat with my parents and sisters, My oldest sister knew, Right away and as soon as we were alone she said "Oh my god, Did you??" I nodded and she said "Oh god, I stuck up for you" and I said "Not now please", She gave me s*** for him being older and she was angry at him, I told her what happened and she was like "Oh s***, How can you be so dumb". I explained about me and my friend back home and she was surprised but not completely.
Next day I didn't see him and later my sister told me he had left a note which she found when she woke up with his name and number on it and she had ripped it to shreds and burned it, I said "Well that's a bit extreme" and she said "If you get knocked up mom and dad would come back here and find every shred and put it back together to charge him". Luckily I didn't get knocked up but when I got home I started back up with my friend, It hasn't been the same and I just told her I might be BI and she is not happy, I didn't tell her I have done it but told her I think I want to.
Not sure where this will put me and her and I don't know if she will want to be with me after if I do or if she will want to be a part of it or just let me do it on the side or if she will want to be my side piece if I start dating a guy but I really hope we can continue to be together and figure it out together. I am slightly possesive and don't like the idea of her with other people so I don't know how that would work but we are going to have a long, Complicated road ahead.
And yes I am sad I didn't make it to 18. Should have waited.

Jan 14, 2020

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  • Thanks for this story. I've often thought that people should wait before deciding to categorize themselves completely. The teens and early twenties are sort of an experimental time filled to the brim with s** hormones! Let the story play out before deciding one way or other what you believe your sexuality really is (or what combinations of things it is). Life is a long and changing experience and you will view all this through older eyes one day. Don't overthink the situation. Be open to time and see where it leads you. Be confidant, because if you don't make your own decisions other people will surely try to make them for you!

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