i'm not really me

I smile at the camera. i tell you i can't be hurt. inside i take everything to heart. i hate the way i look and want to burn my photos. i eat a block of chocolate then feel like crying as i poke my stomach. i tell you i think i'm gorgeous. inside, i'd do anything not to look like i do. to have the confidence to be who i really want to be. i'd like to be a stripper. just to feel exhillarated as people look at me and want me. because i never feel like that. i would like to be forward and confident. my biggest fear is rejection. i never put my emotions out there beacuse i am so afraid of getting hurt it kills me. i act like i don't care what people think, but i really do. it runs my life. i wan't a partner. but i know i'll never let myself be open enough with anyone. i've done it a couple of times and only gotten hurt. i don't trust people because i have no reason to, everyone is nice to me, i have no sad stories. but i've never been happy with anyone. never had a friend i can trust. never had a partner i could talk to. i have never felt a connection with anyone and i don't feel whole because of it. and now i have a baby, i'm worried no one but her will ever love me. i hate myself. why would anyone like me?

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