So, ive never confessed everything in one go before.
But here goes.
I wake up every morning, wishing i didnt.
I think about what the world would be without me, everyday. And i realise it would be exactly the same.
I sometimes think, if i died who would notice. I often imagine what if i just hospitalized myself, maybe then i could see if people cared.
The worst thing is, when i actually realise what ive just thought about.
Its not normal, and i hate it.
Everytime i look in the mirror i feel disgusted. I repulse mysellf.
And i hate how i i hate myself.
The imense guilt i have after eating, going shopping and feeling completely out of place.
Worst of all, hating myself more than you could even imagine.
Do you all know how it feels, when your walking round and every other single person you see, seems to be getting thinner. Skinnier and skinnier. And i see myself getting fatter and fatter.
Its horrible. But i lost control. I have no control, its not that i like what i do. Starving myself. Making myself sick. :|
So thats one aspect of my life that sucks.
Hmm what else, self harming.
Its not that i want attention anymore.
Only one person knows.
Its because i feel i deserve it. It releases my stress.
My scars are hidieous.
What else, hmm. The feeling of being alone.
Coming home, and no one being here.
Waking up and no one being here.
Its horrid. I hate it.
And worst of all, no ones here.
Some are, one is.
But no matter what when i need to talk and need some help there is no one.
Theres the beginning of help.
Friends, and teachers. But they care at first and then forget most people are too busy.
I get so angry sometimes.
And why is it everytime something seems to been going well it f**** up.
Im never good enough
I gave what some people my consider the biggest gift of all to a boy just over a year ago.
I think about him almost every day. Sometimes i cry. Its not who i am.
I hate to say i loved him, considering i am only 15. But i think i maybe could have or do or im not sure. But i wish every single day that i hadn't. That i had just waited. He used me, he made me do things i didnt want to. He messed me around.
I lost trust and hope in almost everyone and everything.
so much time i wasted. And even after me and him had finished, it hadnt finished there for me. For me it was a lot longer journey. Things i shouldnt have ever been through.
Theres more things id go into but i dont think im quite ready to confess them yet.
So today, right now. I have just confessed my life, my feelings and my thoughts to no one, to the world, to anyone.
One day it'll get better.
It has too.
Because i dont know if its possible to get worse.