My horrible secret

I'm an eighteen year old girl with a horrible secret. I've never been able to tell anyone this, for reasons I'm sure everyone will understand. On the surface, I seem perfectly normal. I started college this fall, I work part-time, and so on. Problem is, I'm far from normal. In fact, I'm about as far from normal as it's possible to be.

Because I'm a pedophile.

I know at least some of you are saying that's not possible because I'm too young and/or because I'm a girl. But I have no doubts about what I am. I've never liked anyone, guy or girl, my own age or older. All of my sexual and romantic feelings are for kids in the eight to twelve age range. I'm mostly into boys, but do experience some attraction to girls as well.

I wish I knew why I was like this. It'd be nice if I had a history of abuse I could blame this on, but I had a totally normal childhood. I guess I'm just wired wrong.

I've never acted on these feelings and I don't want to. I hate being like this and don't know what to do. I can't imagine living the rest of my life with these feelings, but I don't have it in me to commit suicide either. Occasionally, I think about seeing a therapist, but I don't see the point in it. Isn't this supposed to be incurable? Plus, I don't know if I could tell anyone face to face, even if patient confidentiality forbids them from saying anything to anyone. Just typing this anonymously is hard enough.

I'm hoping that someone reading this might have some advice. I don't know what anyone could say that may help, but at this point I'm desperate. I want to be normal more than anything in the f****** world.

Oct 31, 2020

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  • Well, possibly you were sexualized or abused at that age and you don't remember. Usually people into preteens or early teens for s** were themselves objects of s** at that age and it imprints - both the urge to have s** and the power relationship between an older person and a preteen. The thing is to remember that it won't be very real or gratifying s**, and the relationship will be immature at best. Read Lolita, where a guy has a thing for a 12-13 year old girl but the rest of the time she is acting like a brat. As an older man I still see women of about 20 as desirable but I have enough experience now to realize that even at 20 women (and men) are pretty immature and inexperienced about s** and relationships. So, I realize it's a sort of organic fantasy developed over a million years of human development (people in graves at Stonehenge looked like they mated at about age 13 and were dead by age 25) but not realistically likely to be gratifying. As you get older, and once you start having relationships with older men or women, you may realize something similar.

  • Sounds way too articulate to be 18... probably a cop

  • How I've fantasized (role play) about you since first reading this... you playing with, and molesting my bald, cut and tiny p**** that is standing proud, and throbbing. But, I can't bum because I'm 12 and the summer before puberty hits. How I want you to seduce me, molest me, teach me, play with me, make me your servant...

  • It's like any disturbing thoughts... you have the ability to decide how you're going to react to them. Acknowledge them and let them pass...know the power grows to have them not affect you the more you let them pass.

  • If your article is true dont worry. Everyone has his or her kind of desire. Its like some people like to drink, or smoke. Release your sexuality in another way, try stuff that makes you h**** in a legal way swinging / roleplay or get someone who looks younger. In the end every person has his demons and yours arent unusual. Dont suppress your desires, release them in another way.

    If your sexual desire gets out of hand talk to a therapist about hormon pills for birth control. They usually reduce sexual desire. You will be fine if you accept yourself and control the desire.

  • )continued in comment below)As long as you don't want to hurt anyone or make someone uncomfortable, then there's nothing wrong with you. And in a different world I think there would be a place for you. But society has labeled it as horrible as murder. Molesters have serious issues and are sick, pedophiles feel LOVE, and attraction. They're hugely different things and research backs this up. The same way being gay was considered horrible some time ago, I think people don't understand. In NOT saying do something about this, like with a child. I'm saying don't hate yourself. It is a crime. But you're far far from alone. And it doesn't make you a monster. Despite what all the people who hate it believe, that's what they're told to believe. That's what they're taught. But I do think there's more to this story.

  • Just because society says something is horrible doesn't mean it is. I recently say a study that tested physical reaction to images of children. 80 something percent were aroused by people the age you mentioned. I think it's a repressed trait that could be completely harmless if society didn't condemn it. Children start feeling arrousal and sexual attraction and masturbating between ages 6-12, so there's a very similar thing going on when them. A healthy and consentual exploration of sexuality could greatly benefit them, but society makes it seem like murder because to them everything is black and white, and to them a pedophile equals a child rapist, but they're very very different things. I also read most "pedophiles" feel LOVE, with the l***, where as molesters are just sick and have serious issues. They're completely different things. I wish you and anyone else who sees this and has this same thing, all the luck in the world. Please don't kill yourself. The world needs you.

  • Roleplay!

  • You’re only a peado if you’ve actually abused someone.

  • That is false by definition

  • The advices before this comment are all good. But I think you should go to a therapist. Even if it is incurable, you'll have someone professional to talk to, who would listen without judging in real life. You'll feel better and eventually the guilt would wear off. I'm not a pedo, but I can't imagine the frustration of being like you with nothing to blame it upon. Therapist might really be a good idea. I wish you good luck.

  • My dear, i will not judge or anything. I have the same problem as you. Perfect in everything, but dark thoughts inside. I have never touched or done anything to a minor. But when i have these needs, i could tell me gf to roleplay schoolgirl or anything that seems young, or even pleased myself with online stuff. If you need to talk to someone who understands, let me know.

  • I believe that our fantasies do not determine who we are sexually unless u go through with them in real life. I am an older man I have very evil sadistic and troubling thoughts of young girls an dmasturbate to them regularly. I know fir a fact that I would not ever go through with these thoughts in real life. In reality I am kinky and a Dominant but only play with pain loving women who understand their needs

  • Take it easy - it might be rooted into your sublime mother-instinct. Alternatively, a fetish that will likely to wear off when you find a suitable bf to spend your time.

  • You can modify your existing fetish to be something acceptable and fun. The trick is that your going to have to do p*** research. Start making yourself watch p*** that revolves around the traits you are attracted to. Be sure to m********* while watching so that it effectively associates. For example you can watch twink p***, small p**** p***, child role play, petite males, etc. If you watch and fantasize about that stuff your fetish will modify. I’m a man and had to do a similar thing. It wasn’t for kids but other unacceptable fetishes. I’m now sexually functional and guilt free. Give it a shot.

  • Girl, I have not set up an account here but reading your post makes me think i will. I have a very similar problem minus the attraction to girls. I'm 21 and a virgin by choice (because i don't want a BF yet). But I'm obsessed with penises. ALL penises. And can't not stare when I see one, especially the younger ones. But I have never done anything, and never plan to with anyone underage. But the thoughts are there. Please update if you get any sound advice!

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