My horrible secret
I'm an eighteen year old girl with a horrible secret. I've never been able to tell anyone this, for reasons I'm sure everyone will understand. On the surface, I seem perfectly normal. I started college this fall, I work part-time, and so on. Problem is, I'm far from normal. In fact, I'm about as far from normal as it's possible to be.
Because I'm a pedophile.
I know at least some of you are saying that's not possible because I'm too young and/or because I'm a girl. But I have no doubts about what I am. I've never liked anyone, guy or girl, my own age or older. All of my sexual and romantic feelings are for kids in the eight to twelve age range. I'm mostly into boys, but do experience some attraction to girls as well.
I wish I knew why I was like this. It'd be nice if I had a history of abuse I could blame this on, but I had a totally normal childhood. I guess I'm just wired wrong.
I've never acted on these feelings and I don't want to. I hate being like this and don't know what to do. I can't imagine living the rest of my life with these feelings, but I don't have it in me to commit suicide either. Occasionally, I think about seeing a therapist, but I don't see the point in it. Isn't this supposed to be incurable? Plus, I don't know if I could tell anyone face to face, even if patient confidentiality forbids them from saying anything to anyone. Just typing this anonymously is hard enough.
I'm hoping that someone reading this might have some advice. I don't know what anyone could say that may help, but at this point I'm desperate. I want to be normal more than anything in the f****** world.