Weirdness

I am a female in my late thirties. I had a ** buddy for 3 years whom I fell for. I was aware he was with other women and had two children. The connection was not always constant but we always talked again. I broke up with him in February because I had to get an abortion. I was deeply ashamed that I had to do it and could not muster the desire to be with him after that. (Hope it makes sense) He contacted me in June (Covid check-up). We talked for a few days but then I chased him away because he wanted to hook up again. I found out he got married to one of his baby's mother in July. It's bittersweet because I love him and only want him to be happy even if it is not with me. But now I fantasize and get off on us hooking up again and us talking about a baby while having **.

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