I lead a twisted double life. I am glad I found this site and can vent. I have often thought of seeking professional help. No one would know about it. I have a good job as a nurse. I am close to my family but don't have many close friends. Things started in high school. My choices in boys were terrible. I always ended up being mistreated or controlled by a jealous nutcase. In college and nursing school my choices only got worse. My longest relationship was 2 years and he went past being jealous and controlling. He physically abused me and on several occasions when I didn't want to have s** he raped me. In our final months he forced me to have a 3sum with him and his friend. I say forced because they held me down and raped me. When I graduated I returned back home and never spoke to him again. I never told my family.
After getting my own place and a good job something strange happened. I started to feel lonely and actually missed the abusive treatment. I started checking out some pretty dark internet swinger site. I attempted to satisfy this craving. I traveled to a larger city and visited a S&M Club. Even with the physical and control part of the play it was not "real". I could have walked away at any time so it did not meet my desires.
My internet searches went even darker. Chat rooms and even posting online ads seeking sexual partners. I sought out men who would be abusive to me verbally, physically and sexually. I have been g*********, fisted, even had cigarettes put out on my t*** and ass. On one occasion a guy took me to a secluded spot, raped and beat me. He took my clothes and left me naked, b***** laying on the ground. I actually contacted him after and met him again.
I don't know how to stop.