Secret life

I lead a twisted double life. I am glad I found this site and can vent. I have often thought of seeking professional help. No one would know about it. I have a good job as a nurse. I am close to my family but don't have many close friends. Things started in high school. My choices in boys were terrible. I always ended up being mistreated or controlled by a jealous nutcase. In college and nursing school my choices only got worse. My longest relationship was 2 years and he went past being jealous and controlling. He physically abused me and on several occasions when I didn't want to have s** he raped me. In our final months he forced me to have a 3sum with him and his friend. I say forced because they held me down and raped me. When I graduated I returned back home and never spoke to him again. I never told my family.
After getting my own place and a good job something strange happened. I started to feel lonely and actually missed the abusive treatment. I started checking out some pretty dark internet swinger site. I attempted to satisfy this craving. I traveled to a larger city and visited a S&M Club. Even with the physical and control part of the play it was not "real". I could have walked away at any time so it did not meet my desires.
My internet searches went even darker. Chat rooms and even posting online ads seeking sexual partners. I sought out men who would be abusive to me verbally, physically and sexually. I have been g*********, fisted, even had cigarettes put out on my t*** and ass. On one occasion a guy took me to a secluded spot, raped and beat me. He took my clothes and left me naked, b***** laying on the ground. I actually contacted him after and met him again.
I don't know how to stop.

Jan 13

Related Posts


  • newest
  • most popular
  • oldest
  • Just enjoy the feeling because you want it, it's your choice and no one gets to dictate there.

  • I knew a girl like you. We went out a few times. She could not enjoy s** unless she was being choked, slapped, hit with a fist. She wanted every s** session to resemble forced rape.

  • Why stop? Why not enjoy it and indulge yourself from time to time?

Account Login
Is this post inapropriate?
Reason for reporting this post
Report this comment
Reason for reporting this comment
Delete this post?