Drugs as a kid
When I was in 7th grade, I experimented with pot. It was fun, exciting, new, scarry, and most of all it made me feel cool. My friend and I would spend all week looking fo r some weed, then when the weekend would come, we would smoke and act goofy as h***. this continued on for three years. these times were great. People thought I was "cool" because I did things that were illegal. I felt true and connected to myself. I was patient, a acted wise-like I could find all of life's answers at the end of a joint. I fancied myself some form of eastern prophet-having some knowledge beyond the obvious-like little windows would open up in my mind and expose me to experiences beyond the imagination of anyone my age. I felt powerful.
The first time I got scared, my friend and I were at his house, we had snuck out behind his house to get high. as we were in his kitchen, preparing a play that we would do for a middleschool history project, my whole perception changed forever. It was like my eyes became movie theatre screens and "I" was sitting on a stool in the midle of my head looking at these screens showing my life. I couldn't drown out the sound of my own thoughts, I was unable to speak to my friend, listen to people speak, anything. I was scared...what if this never went away? Was I doomed to stay in this movie theatre, separated from the real world forever?
This sensation of disconnect lasted for at least three years after that night. I was able to function in school and maintained my top 1% strait A status. The whole time, though, I was enveloped in this self-absorbed, disconnected perspective.
Soon after my friend's parents divorced, we began smoking pot with his mom. At first she acted caustios, mostly because if she were caught it would mean she could lose custody over my friend. It was fun, at first. We would get high, watch a movie, play games, skateboard, talk, play music...have a good time. However, their finacial situation soon took a turn for bad as neither of them worked and the house payments fell onto her because she won the title in the divorce.
Things began to get tense at that household. There was rarely enough to eat. They were constantly fighting over money and rules, all the while feeding all three of our $60-$100 a week pot habit. I would try to help out as much as possible, whether it be buying the weed or a pizza on the weekends. I started to feel emotionally at stake in the relationship, and would worry myself about hiw ti fix things.
After they moved away, I fell into a much more harsh and violent social crowd. The people I began to hang out with were the same people who would mock me for being fat in elementary, but because we were familiar faces, we would hang out. Soon, boredom would take over and simply getting high wouldn't be enough. Also, my parents had found weed in my jacket, so home was a tense situation, especially when involving the friends that I got caught with.
To hamper this boredom, we would go to a friend's house and drink ourselves stupid, smoke cigars and feel like "real men." We would punch one another and through intimidation and fear, we established ourselves in a hierarchy. Suddenly, my once innocent past with weed at my friend's house became tales of drug lords and violent witnesses. These stories and my then physical prowess established myself as the guy "not to f*** with" in our group. It also helped that my brains (that eventually got me in to the top 10 out of 650 graduating students) were enough to establish myself as the smart one.
We would play Halo, drink, smoke, etc. the whole time I was lying to my now fiance about what we were doing. I became paranoid that she would find out and my entire life would crash around me. This is when I began to fear the drugs...they came to represent a life ruining force. All the same, I continued to surround myself with these people, and as my network expanded, I became, in turn, more connected with older people. These people sold drugs, lived it their parent's houses, did not graduate highschool, carried knives, had police records, etc. These people, I felt, were truely dangerous.
With this, however, I continued to puff my chest and bluff my way through the social circle. I see know that, by drinking alchohol, smoking weed and tabacco, taking speed, carring a shiv in school, riding through my town with the intent to beat the s*** out of some guys who said...(what exactly?) all when I didn't want to, when I really wanted to be at home, safe with my parent's and now fiance...I was giving into peer pressure.
At any time I could have denied them and myself of doing these thing, lying about them to everyone, feeling the regret with every action and lie. Instead, I acted like a tool, fit into every expectation this loser social circle set out for me. I finally reloved this part of my life (at least outwardly) by outright ignoring their attempts at communication, made easier, of course by college.
Now, when I go to visit my friend and his mother that moved away so long ago, I am wracked with guilt and sadness. To this day, my friend cannot keep a job, whether due to failed drug tests or misuse of company trucks. His mother, who has been terminally ill with lupus since I've known her, can barely afford her medication and has managed to keep her low paying office clerk job. They cannot pay bills on time, their electricity and cell phone get turned off, etc. The whole time, they keep themselves fed on cigarettes and weed, made only more expensive with their move to a large city.
I wish I had never started doing those drugs. I've learned street rules that I with I could forget forever. I've had to feel pain, lonliness, anger, regret, depression, addiction, self hate on such a level that I feel permanently damaged.
I will never tell someone how to live their life, I don't feel I have that right. However, if you've made it this far through my story, perhaps you will take away something. This is true, from my heart, and only melting the tip of an iceburg of feelings surrounding this aspect of my life.
Sadly, I must end this like a truth commercial and say this:
Don't do drugs. While they might not ruin your life, they will likely give you many regrets that will negatively affect your life. Instead, try to find a group of friend that enjoy typical stuff, and spend you time emmersed in petty gossip, sexual discovery, and all of the other great things that are supposed to come with being a kid.