Buried this and it hurts

So I'm 60 and this happened about 25 years ago.
I used to have a couple of older gay friends who were always very flirty but I just put it down to teasing.
One night at their house I was so drunk I was nearly passing out. One had gone to bed and the other was with me, they were both sober.
Somehow the one I was with starts sucking my d*** and then jerked off c****** on the floor. I was so freaked out and stumbled down to the other one who was in bed. I laid down nearly passing out and then stuff happens. I can't really remember what but I remember him trying to get me to suck his c***. I didn't but do recall spitting on it and stoking it. I think he sucked me, rimmed and fingered me. But I recall his c*** stank. I don't want it to happen but think I went along with it as felt bad about his partner sucking me. Like I was trying to placate him.
He wanted to f*** me but didn't. I think I would have let him maybe. I'm not attracted to either and feel dirty about it.
I blame myself as I was an adult and feel like I must have encouraged them.
I woke the next day alone.
We didn't mention it again but the one that nearly f***** me did try to talk to see if I was bi or gay.
I'm so ashamed. I was scared they would tell each other and my secret would be out.
Seems like they did and the one that nearly f***** me told a mutual friend who told me but they didn't believe it.
I feel terrible denying it and lying but can't ever admit it's true.
Yes I've had some same s** experiences and want to keep that to myself. So scared of it all coming out. I can't lie so people would see through me and assume I just f***** them both.

Thanks for listening

May 30

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  • I'm sorry this happened to you. I actually think that it was rape, since you werent consciously agreeing to have s** with them. Your sexuality is your own private matter, no one is entitled to know of it. Tell them to respect your privacy. Honestly I think you have s***** friends.

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