I don't know why I keep putting myself through the drama of finding someone to be with.
You all end up hurting me some how.
I used to be the girl that didn't date anyone because I was "uncomfortable" with them, or some other fault I'd point out.
But now, I've been so much better. I actually give you all a chance, and I give myself a chance to like you or maybe even love you. But right when I'm on the verge of really wanting to be with you, you rip my heart out and I'm left in a cold, dark alley, vulnerable and unable to move.

I think it started with you.
You made me fall for you so hard with your piano playing and your sense of humor, and how much we had in common and how well you and my best friend got along. Then one night at one of your shows, you go home with my cousin and you do stuff with her. I don't necessarily hold it against you anymore. But you didn't drink that much. You broke my heart.

Then you.
I didn't know if I wanted to be with you at first until you told me that as long as I'd give you the time of day, you'd change my mind about you. That instant, my mind was changed. Because you didn't just give up on me like any other guy would. Then you went away to college. You got into heavy drinking. And I know we joked about it being a problem, but it is. Then one weekend you came home and we spent the entire weekend together. You kissed me. We held hands at the movies. It was just everything I could ask for. Then you had to go away again, and a week before summer was out and you were home for good until next school year, I hear you're at parties and you act like you barely know me, then you go and have s** with some girl while you're drunk. I liked you a lot. I wanted to be with you so much. And you, you broke my heart too.

Then I found you. Everything was great.
I fell in love with you in a week. You said all the right things, you held me all the right ways, and my favorite part was when you'd hold my hand, but they wouldn't be intertwined, you'd hold my hand in yours. It just felt like you'd never leave me, and you'd always take care of me. But then you broke up with me, claiming you weren't ready. Saying you just got out of a relationship a month ago. But now, every time I see you. I still want you. It's been three months. How the h*** can I be this hurt after a week? You left me vulnerable. I don't want to feel like every time I look at a boy they have some hidden motive of being with me. Whether they want s**, or just someone to love them when they have no one else, or they use me as a rebound.

I don't know why I'm still putting myself through it. I keep hoping things will get better and I'll find someone that will take care of me and keep me. But I haven't yet, and it's killing me.

Jul 8, 2010

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  • You are so strong.

    Love yourself first.

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