Over the years you'd think I'd have learned. All the lies, the betrayals. Its true, we're the definition of disaster. The worst possible pair. There's no in between, he's the best and the worst thing that ever happened to me. We haven't spoken in 4 months, haven't seen him, haven't spoken to anyone about him. And the last thing he said was "I hate you". And yet... Not a day goes by when I don't miss him. I try not to think about it. Put it in a box in my mind and try to lock it there. But it never works. There's always something that reminds me... Can't listen to most of my music anymore. Can't sleep in my own room. Can't leave the house without getting nervous. Don't talk to anyone I'm not related to. Everything causes flashbacks. And even when I have a reasonable day, the nightmares get me. I haven't had a decent nights sleep in months. Every morning I wake up wondering how I've survived this long. And why. I don't think about the future. Nothing is interesting about it, nothing to look forward to. After attempting suicide twice, you'd think I'd value my life more. But I don't... Everything is hollow. I don't see meaning in anything anymore. And yet, I survive... My family thinks I'm doing better. I just don't have the heart to tell them that nothing has changed. They think its helping, the therapy, the antidepressants... It doesn't change a thing. Its h*** every day.
I'm 18 years old, and I will never believe in anything again.