I Nearly Forgot How Terrible Those Feelings Are...

The last 15 years all my relationships to women weren't going well. After my last rejection I decided to concentrate on other parts of my life like work. At first it wasn't easy but after a few month I didn't care about things other than my work, tv and some other things you could do mainly alone. It's not that there are not some friends but I avoid every chance for a serious relationship other than friendship.

Nearly two years ago a female co-worker left the company I work for. We were always good friends and since her layoff we're anyhow talking on the phone, writing mails, ... I like her a lot and there are also clearly sexual insinuations between us - but always in a fun way, nothing one of us is taking for real I believe.

A few days ago we finally met again in the city - drinking some cocktails, playing billiard, .. it was a great day and a nightmare at the same time. I liked her as a good friend, but always knowing that in my subconscious I'm bearing down other feelings for her, too. And now, after we finally meet again and spend a great afternoon/evening together I'm quite sure that all my efforts are going to h*** in a handbasket! I was alone a long time and past relationships were always a inevitable catastrophe. And now my feelings of being lonely and my care about her are driving me crazy.

To make matters worse she has a boyfriend. Some guy she complains a lot about but didn't seem to leave. Also she is sure that he is cheating on her - and said that she will leave him at once when she'll have some true evidence for it. But right now he seems to be cautious.

I really like her but she is taking all 'hints' as a joke - and of course I'm approving her, fearing of getting the mitten or even loosing a great friend. Past occurrences are going to recur...

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