Want to be thin
I hate struggling with this battle. All I want is to be 135 lbs. It's on the thinner side of what I should weigh, since I'm 5ft. 9, but I would look great. I hate that I eat. I want to stop eating. Food is evil. I want to be beautiful. I want to take a knife and slice off all the fat on my body. The scars would remind me of the pain I went through when I was fat. Ahhh, slicing my flesh, brings so much comfort. The pain, the ooz, the running blood represents the tears that have run down. The drip keeps time like a clock. A deeper slice would end it all. But death is not my main desire. It is an option still, but the big desire is to be skinny and perfect. I want my finance to be drawn to my body with no self control. I want him to long to be with me. Sexual appeal is a huge deal to me. I want to walk into any store, anywhere and put on the sexiest outfit. i dont want to have to search for my size. I'd love to put something on and have it be too big or loose. I want wild passionate s**, because my fiance can't stand how turned on he is by my body. I want to be able to run 5 miles without any issues. Can all of this happen? Is it possible to change? It takes a complete surrender of eating. No more food until I reach my goal. Water is my only intake. When those desires arise, I will run, exercise, cut myself. Where to cut though? I dont want it to be seen. I want it to be mine and mine only. I dont want to scar my body too bad, because when I'm thin I want my skin to be perfect. Death is easier. It's so much quicker. The pain is gone, the struggle over, but I will have lost, because I'd still be fat. Then again I would decay and get down to bones. BUt I wouldn't get to enjoy being thin and sexy and the passionate s**.