I made a lot of mistakes when I began high school. I was particularly shy in grade school and I wanted to come out of my shell. As I began high school I started drinking, smoking marijuana, and taking pills. I was out of control, I hooked up with anyone and everyone, I chose my friends based on who I could get "f***** up" with. When I was a sophomore I lost my virginity drunkenly to the first guy who asked if I "wanted to f***". I then had my first real boyfriend who I actually cared for but then I went back to my old ways, got wasted, and had s** with someone I met at a party. I then became emotionally attached to the person I met at the party and began cheating on my boyfriend. Never the less the boy stopped talking to me after two weeks and I was devastated, or so I thought. About a month later on another one of my drunken nights I made the worst decision I have ever made in my life. I went to a party with my ex who I knew had feelings for me and we ended up leaving together with my friend and his best friend who was my best friend's boyfriend, well one thing led to another and I was outside my best friend's house hooking up with her boyfriend while he was in the car. Needless to say he and my friend left us and we had s**. He went home and I was left in my car wasted and alone. Me and my best friends boyfriend continued cheating for about a month after we had s**. I convinced myself that I we loved each other, two days after we had s** he went back to his gf and I have never talked to him again. I am so ashamed of this, she has not found out. I am such an awful person and I will never forgive myself. This sent me on a deeper downward spiral and I develepod anxiety and depression. Another huge mistake was getting wasted and taking a boy's virginity in my class and then a massive chain text went around all the high schools in my area telling them about the incident. I have stopped drinking,stopped having s**, but basically I have stopped feeling anything all together. It's much safer that way. In exchange I started abusing adderall and concerta and eventually got my own prescription, and now I am addicted. I regret everything that I have done and I cannot express that amount of guilt and pain that I carry with me every day.

Jul 8, 2010

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