I have fears of hurting people and being hurt

I have OCD. It's not bad anymore, but I used to fear hurting people, children, and animals...You are now wondering what the h*** I'm talking about...You see, they are not real, but I used to fear that I will become a bad person. It is a phobia that manifested when I was 11, and also includes fears about someone harming me, usually raping me. I found out exactly what it was when I was 18 after 7 years of not knowing what was wrong. I understand now that my problem takes what I fear the most and turns it around. To me, the only thing worse than experiencing bad things, is being the one who commits them...Because a bad person is unforgiveable even if they eventually hate themselves. Sexual violence is the most sick, and so such images often infested my mind. I worry that someone I love will be hurt in such a way and it will be my fault ...I believed that thinking these things meant I was fascinated or sick, because who else had such a problem? I found out what it was while reading a book at my school library on psychologial disorders...I was shocked
I wrote about it in a notebook to vent..something I was told would help (I have social anxiety as well)--I was so emotional, angry, and relieved these thoughts were false, but hated that it took so long to find an answer. But that wasn't the end of my problems..I did not find out alone...Someone at school had found my notebook. I don't know who. I stupidly left it under my desk, and when I went back, it wasn't there-gone so fast. I was so depressed thinking about my discovery and began to cry so I rushed to the bathroom, and left somehow forgetting my deepest secret behind for another. I still struggle with fears of going out in public, out of fear of seeing kids from my school since the person may be one of them-they know I'm sick in the head. Ever since finding out however, it slowly went all away on it's own. I still struggle with being around people, mostly out of guilt of them not knowing---I've blocked out my friends, and those I meet, I break contact with. If you think I'm sick...I accept that, because I find it true. I just needed to tell someone who I am...Cause I will never do this again.

Jul 8, 2010

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  • Good to know I'm not alone!

  • Weirdo

  • Wow, lots of the use of the word "sick"--it apparently bothers you alot. I have actually heard of this problem though and it's good that you found out.

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