im fuked up

i was a loser in school. just no self esteem no confidence. seldom would i stick up for myself, though proved confident in my ability to stick up for others. the lack of respect for myself resulted in zero respect from everybody. and thus my story begins...\nhe was my eng lit teacher and he was everyones favorite. he held poker games in his class at lunch, bought people food when they needed it, and was not above great discussions about south park or lost. my best friend just got a new boyfriend and we drifted as a result. so, alone and insecure i started hanging out in the noisy classroom where it seemed everybody was accepted. as i had mentioned earlier, he was my lit teacher ... in class he would look over poetry i'd written, telling everybody to live in the moment, going on about 'the virgins...' and how they should go enjoy their young prime years. looking at me with those eyes........ so a month into class we're busy making out in different rooms- the photocopy room, lighting room, his classroom... he was my first everything. i was a virgin then, but in 5 months of fooling around he'd convinced me to go all the way. it was tricky planning it, what with my strict parents, his wife and kids, and school. so we did it. my first time. i told my best friend in confidence. back at school he'd wink at me but was scared of his wife finding out so he said we'd play it cool til summer. in that time he ignored me and watching him flirt with other students enraged me so when a boy asked me out i said yes. mr.(we'll just call him mr.) heard me talking about my new boyfriend and angerly told me to leave the class. there was no hooking up after that. the next year, my gr 12 year, he'd hint at me getting a better grade if i followed him to the photocopy room. i said no, still seeing my boyfriend. then i was heading to BIM and walked in as a girl was telling the ENTIRE CLASS what i had done. i was frozen with fear. angry at myself i wrote mr a long email telling him people knew. then he confronted me and i blew him off... told him it was all okay now. it wasnt. i wish i would have talked to him. next thing i knew i was trying to deny it all... nobody believed me. a girl i had been friends with forever told me that her older brothers gf was too close with mr and so was another girl. the jealousy hit me again.... I WASNT THE ONLY ONE!??! so then i told my parents and bf. then i told the police. the court proceedings were long and messy... 4 years later he got 6 months incarceration. just for the record i could have said SOOO much on the stand but i downplayed a lot of it . everyone calls me the 'victim' but thats what you say to 11year olds. i was 16. so i feel responsibility as well ...i wasnt raped. i made a decision and i loved him. if you ever read this im sorry....


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  • My advice: Take some English courses.

  • love is really effed

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