This is how I know I'm insane.

I'm afraid my boyfriend got me pregnant. I have punched myself in the abdomen several times, jabbed the handle of my dagger into my abdomen, and have actually inserted a pen into my v***** and up my cervix to make sure. I'm on my period, but it doesn't seem as heavy as it should be. Oddly, it's very chunky.
I'm taking this secret to my grave.