I hate that I love you

I hate that i love this man. I met him in situation in my life when i was vulnerable and scared of the unknown. I felt my world crashing when I seperated from the father of my three boys. He wanted the streetlife and i wanted out. I took a chance and got this job that paid well at a hotel as a supervisor room inspector. Me 22 and feeling like i was finnally making my mark in society. After marrying my sons father 8 years of fighting togther not together we did it but sadly 3 weeks later i left him due to what i mentioned above. 3 strikes youre out. I when i first even walked in that hotel for an application before the wedding thing, Little did i know the man that worked at the front desk would be the man of my subject today. See, he handed me the app, as i sat in the lobby i glanced at him having a conversation with another co-worker and i thought" yes he is much older than i, but he is cute and handsome, a Daddy Yankee older version" I had to admit i was attracted. Time went by and my pit stops at the front desk to make copies , i would see him. but never seriously flirting just a mutual hello and one day stressed I spilled out my issues and he did too. time went by and we ended up living in the hotel where we worked. on the same floor. we both facing divorce. I was invited to a Thanksgiving dinner and we exchanged numbers and that night we met instead of staying at the dinner we excaped to a local rest./bar club and danced the night away and talked and kissed and every way a girl could imagine a perfect night with a walk on the beach with our job place right in back of us. I fell inlove with this older man. But confused over the recent seperation I couldnt see myself with him because I was praying my marriage would work. this man found a place and so did i and we moved out of this hotel our work place but as we got to know each other more I ended up practically living more at his place than mine. I guess having someone to wake up next to and in sleep in the arms of a man that cared for me was what I was missing, I longed for it at nights crying myself to sleep that it was my husband holding me and not him. So many times I left this man and would pack my things and go back to my place that I hardly lived but still paid rent in. Then in the mist of this I saw he was determined as I was to find happiness and gave me an ultimatum and said that we should remain friends I knew he didnt and I was just getting to know him didnt want to lose him so I said NO" lets work this out. We did and he finnally introduced me to his daughter. I was nervous because of the age diff. mind you he was 43 and i was 22at the time. we hit it off but sadly 2007 was the year that she was killed by the cops and this affected us so bad. I felt so much of a connection with this girl, she reminded me so much of me. I lost a pregn, the same say of her funneral. In all this i WAS STILL SEEING MY EX HUSBAND IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT And one night when i did not go out I called my husband over the phone And my boyfreind overheard and thats when he decided to leave to his country. He left and I went back to my husband. I loved him but I wanted things to work out with the marriage so bad. I was so wrong. i realized my mistake and and called my boyfriends number knowing that he may not get the message because he was leaving but he did get it and shortly he contacted me through my dad, and we worked it out and i told him i had been confused but i knew that the marriage was over now and i was ready to give him my all. I left the states he asked me to go to venezuela to be with him in his time of need over the death of his daughter, I left to support him in everyway a woman can there for the man she loves. we decided after 2 weeks upon me arriving venezuela and i got preg, and this marked me forever because I was giving him a last child to redeem his life and give him a reason me and his new son. well sadly this romantic soap opera was put to an end when we started having trust issues. I found emails I found pictures of naked woman and so many other things, I was younger he was older and I should feel confident but I was not. Because through it all I hated my body and what it has become i felt like I was not the hot 24 year old that I SHOULD BE BECAUSE OF having kids. I wanted to fix my appearence in competition always feeling less. But he made me feel even more. I left him and I WRITE TODAY BECAUSE I HATE THAT I LOVE HIM MORE THAN I EVER DID MY EX. I think equally sometimes because they each had an addiction that ended our relationship. One with drugs and the other with the internet and these supposed "women friends" of his past. I hate that i love you charlie!!! I hate this. 4 years invested in you to now feel empty and to look in the eyes everyday at the product of my sacrifice for love inthe eyes of my son. I love him but I hate you. I hate that promises were broken and i HATE that i made the mistake in helping you grow out of the pain of losing your only daughter. I hate that i made you strong only to leave me feeling weak and alone. I hate it I hate it. And yet I go visit your facebook and i check your msn to see that you have reconnected with the very same women that hurted our relationship because you couldnt respect me and give me my place a title of respect of being your woman!!! i HATE that I see that and hate that on msn you are making girlfriends every other day! I admit I am doing the same but I feel like you dont care. I feel so empty without you and so alone. My joy is gone but I remain strong dating this guy now to forget you and yet I still hate that I love you. But this guy now has me stuck because there is something bout him that keeps near him and this friday I am going to meet him and in his arms I will try to forget you tonight I will make this pact and let it go and kiss him like i kissed you and let him embrace me like I once let you.

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