A ton of confessing

Ok this is going to be a rather large bunch of confessions...

-Sometimes I feel pretty but mostly I feel awkward, crushingly average, and unneccesary. Like, if I were to die today, people would be like "well that sucks" and go on with their day.

-My lonliness has been so terrifying sometimes that I sob for hours. I'm convinced that I will die alone.

-I fantasize about slicing open my legs and stomach and sucking out the fat with a vaccuum.

-I keep getting meaner and meaner towards my mom, while my praying every day that our relationship somehow improves increases.

-I starved myself down to 123 pounds (I'm 5'8 and 17 years old) but I've been binge eating like crazy, so now I weight about 145. My clothes don't fit me and all I want to do is cry and starve.

-I am SO paranoid that all of my friends don't really like me, they just pretend becuase they feel bad for me. I feel like they laugh when I say things, that they think I look stupid and say stupid things.

-My ex best friend (since 4th grade; I'm now a senior in high school) has made it clear that she doesn't want/like me- she has all new best friends. She never made an effort to talk to me. But I made new friends too, so I feel deathly guilty for blaming her. But my new friends already have their set "group," and I always feel like an outcast. There's always a voice in the back of my mind saying "Why the f*** do you even bother? They don't like you and they don't want you."

-My new "best friend" has friends that she seems closer to than she is with me, and I can't help thinking that I'm starting to annoy her and now I'm going to push her away becuase I'm so obnoxious. Also, I really REALLY like being physically close to her (holding her hand, leaning against her, touching her hair) and part of me thinks that I like her more than just a friend. I am bisexual (closeted except to a few) but I don't know if I really do like her more than just a friend, that I just crave platonic physical touch. I'm so confused.

-I don't want to go to college next year- I want to take a road trip, on my own, across the US. And then I want to be a famous runway model. But then I feel so stupid, becuase I am too ugly and fat to be a runway model.

-I know that I'll get a mediocre job that I wont be happy with, my husband will cheat on me, and my kids will turn out exactly like me and therefore be total fuckups. This scares me so bad sometimes, makes me feel so clausterphobic, that I have trouble breathing and I'd rather just die than inflict my pathetic future on the world.

-I am so lost, so confused. I'm tired of feeling this way. I am so bitter, so mean, and I've been seriously considering taking away my happy-bubbly mask and driving everyone away so I can be truly alone and wont be such a f****** bother to everyone who has the misfortune to come into contact with me.

-I was teased in middle school, mercilessly, and my mom continues to make me relive that trauma everyday when she mocks me and calls me slow and pathetic and hits me and reminds me that all my friends left me and tells me "F*** YOU, F*** OFF M***********." Because of all this, I feel guilty for the most ridiculous things and that everything is somehow my fault and that I will never succeed, I'm so slow so whats the point of even trying? I love my mom so much it hurts, but both of us are starting to forget how to show it.

-Confessing all of this makes me feel like such a pathetic baby. My problems are so miniscule compared to other people's problems.

-Numb, numb, so terrifyingly numb.


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  • Its an emergency! Call the WHAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaammmmmmmmbulance!

  • "...driving everyone away so I can be truly alone and wont be such a f****** bother to everyone who has the misfortune to come into contact with me."

    Here, here. You truly are boring. Why did you post this? You just made innocent people bump into you and read all of your truly uninteresing problems. I'm pretty sure youre not as paranoid as you think, it has to be a reason why you feel as if noone really likes you and after reading all of this, I know why, as SHOULD you.

    Yes you do sound like a pathetic baby, yet you still posted this... Slow, slow, so terrifyingly slow?

  • I'm pretty sure I might know who you are. Or my bestfreind is going through the very same thing. The fat and vacum thing you have told me before? Idk you two or you sound very very very alike. Alls I know whoever you are. I love you. I am also hiding in the closet, I do like you and your physical features. You are very beautiful and have an amazing personailty. Even if you are not my bestfriend you have a lot of heart. I feel for you. As for your mom. She is a b****. Lay off. Leave her alone or tell her exactly how you feel. 17 is a bit young to be going to collage.. But what do I know. Like you said these friends do not matter. You will be going to collage soon. Forgetting them. You will always have someone standing by yourside even, if you don't see them.

  • I want to say that you are beautiful. I love you and JESUS loves you. I'm praying for you.

  • F*** Jesus. He hates GAY people, remember? I am GOING TO H***! YAY! :D

  • Sometimes people feel this way. I do on a daily basis. It's paranoia my dear. Nothing we can do can change that. As for the binge eating. It's your hold on life. You eat to fill the void. You need to take a day off. Maybe even a week. Connect to yourself. Your gorgeous. No one can tell you any different. We were all created the way we are for a reason. You need to realize that. There is NOTHING wrong with you. Now go out there and live a happy life. No one can tell you what to do, how to live, or how to look. Your amazing just as you are. Your loved. People will miss you when you pass. Learn that. Your not the only one who feels this way. So don't feel sorry for yourself and go out there and be happy don't complain and don't be depressed. There is no changing who you are as a person. Your amazing my dear. Accept that.
    You also need to talk to someone about you are feeling, your binge eating can kill you. You need to talk to someone you trust. I promise. Everything will work out for the best.

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