A ton of confessing
Ok this is going to be a rather large bunch of confessions...
-Sometimes I feel pretty but mostly I feel awkward, crushingly average, and unneccesary. Like, if I were to die today, people would be like "well that sucks" and go on with their day.
-My lonliness has been so terrifying sometimes that I sob for hours. I'm convinced that I will die alone.
-I fantasize about slicing open my legs and stomach and sucking out the fat with a vaccuum.
-I keep getting meaner and meaner towards my mom, while my praying every day that our relationship somehow improves increases.
-I starved myself down to 123 pounds (I'm 5'8 and 17 years old) but I've been binge eating like crazy, so now I weight about 145. My clothes don't fit me and all I want to do is cry and starve.
-I am SO paranoid that all of my friends don't really like me, they just pretend becuase they feel bad for me. I feel like they laugh when I say things, that they think I look stupid and say stupid things.
-My ex best friend (since 4th grade; I'm now a senior in high school) has made it clear that she doesn't want/like me- she has all new best friends. She never made an effort to talk to me. But I made new friends too, so I feel deathly guilty for blaming her. But my new friends already have their set "group," and I always feel like an outcast. There's always a voice in the back of my mind saying "Why the f*** do you even bother? They don't like you and they don't want you."
-My new "best friend" has friends that she seems closer to than she is with me, and I can't help thinking that I'm starting to annoy her and now I'm going to push her away becuase I'm so obnoxious. Also, I really REALLY like being physically close to her (holding her hand, leaning against her, touching her hair) and part of me thinks that I like her more than just a friend. I am bisexual (closeted except to a few) but I don't know if I really do like her more than just a friend, that I just crave platonic physical touch. I'm so confused.
-I don't want to go to college next year- I want to take a road trip, on my own, across the US. And then I want to be a famous runway model. But then I feel so stupid, becuase I am too ugly and fat to be a runway model.
-I know that I'll get a mediocre job that I wont be happy with, my husband will cheat on me, and my kids will turn out exactly like me and therefore be total fuckups. This scares me so bad sometimes, makes me feel so clausterphobic, that I have trouble breathing and I'd rather just die than inflict my pathetic future on the world.
-I am so lost, so confused. I'm tired of feeling this way. I am so bitter, so mean, and I've been seriously considering taking away my happy-bubbly mask and driving everyone away so I can be truly alone and wont be such a f****** bother to everyone who has the misfortune to come into contact with me.
-I was teased in middle school, mercilessly, and my mom continues to make me relive that trauma everyday when she mocks me and calls me slow and pathetic and hits me and reminds me that all my friends left me and tells me "F*** YOU, F*** OFF M***********." Because of all this, I feel guilty for the most ridiculous things and that everything is somehow my fault and that I will never succeed, I'm so slow so whats the point of even trying? I love my mom so much it hurts, but both of us are starting to forget how to show it.
-Confessing all of this makes me feel like such a pathetic baby. My problems are so miniscule compared to other people's problems.
-Numb, numb, so terrifyingly numb.