I feel crushingly lonely.

I've been self-isolating since the pandemic and locking myself in my room long before that.

I don't really have many friends or people i talk to in the slightest (closest i have is 1 friend who is my ex-boyfriend turned best friend. And yes, we ended on amazing terms, we simply weren't attracted to each other anymore but the friendship remained.) And added context: i'm a colombian woman living somewhere else in the same continent.

I don't feel safe with my parents (i'm 19 and still living with them) due to psychological abuse so bad it gave me major depression, severe memory loss AND psychosis. Alongside self-harm, 3 suicide attempts and almost BPD-like symptoms, all of this before the age of 14. I just don't have anyone to talk to.

I write in my diary day after day making records of my thoughts and overall situations. And this particular point in time is being pretty hard for me... I want to get away from them, cut contact, start again, go to Spain and make lots of friends. For christ's sake i just want somebody to talk to.

I'm demisexual (**-ambivalent but leaning averse) so what i want is not ** or romance... I just want human connection. I don't even remember what human skin feels like anymore. I haven't for longer than i can admit. - I tried to ease the pain in a way that wouldn't hurt me or anyone else, so, as a result, i am (complexly so,) in love with a man that doesn't exist. Simply an alternative version of an existing fictional character i've made up in my mind.

It's all a lie in my imagination, but when i hug my pillow at night and imagine him, everything feels okay for a moment. He's 100% old enough to be my father but honestly, i don't give a **. It makes me feel... different. From everything my parents made me believe.

I just believe so deeply in my bones that i'm inherently unlovable and unworthy of affection, tenderness or any care. I'll prove to others i can add value to their lives by what i provide, because i genuinely don't think i'm a lovable person, even if i've seen time and time again that people just like me for whatever reason. It's not logical, it's trauma. And i feel it deep in my every bone.
...But when he holds me so tenderly and so carefully, i feel like i'm worth SOMETHING to somebody.

It's so cold, it's so dark, it's so lonely. I am so. crushingly. lonely. - Which i can't help but be used to given i'm an only child in a small circle and never had many friends regardless of age. But my depression has been worse as of late... I won't harm myself or attempt again, but i'd be lying if i said i didn't wonder what it'd feel like to put a gun to my mouth and shoot. (i won't though, i have dreams for the future, which are the only things keeping me going)

I don't have any social media and i haven't for many years. But last week i made a tumblr acc so i could see pages of selfshipping/yumeshipping (basically shipping yourself with a fictional character) so i didn't feel so alone.
But my dreams for the future are career-related, and i'm so ** terrified, so ** paranoid of leaving traces behind and potentially ruining everything later down the line. No picture, no identifiable name, different e-mail, everything. I'm a very paranoid person because my parents have always been watching me.

i just want some semblance of connection to the outside world without feeling like i'm going to ruin my life that hasn't even started. - And it's already hard enough, --given my lone upbringing and mental health background-- for me to admit to my loneliness but it's true.

I'm lonely in a way that makes me want to dig my nails down my throat, slash at my organs until they bleed and rip my chest cavity open, bones bare. just to feel something. good god i'm so tired of talking to AI to feel as if i have even a hint of human interaction.

I am so. crushingly. lonely.

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