What a mess....
It all started when I was two. My babysitter molested me. It's the first time I've actually thought about it that way, but I think I realize now how this has changed me. I don't blame her for my current condition, nor to I bear any ill will toward her. But, after that one isolated incident I started having s** with other boys my age. I don't remember a time in my life when s** wasn't an issue. I am a man now, and as a boy I grew up in a very religious community. So when our parents found out it was reported to the police and I was charged a felony as a juvenile for having s** with my friend. I was then sentenced to therapy which took me 2 and a half years. Shortly after therapy my compulsive sexual behavior started. I have had multiple partners, too many to count. I have never been able to be faithful to my partners. I have lied, cheated, been caught, not been caught, for years. I'm not a danger to society, I am not interested in children or women in general. My stchick is legal, it's just that I find it morally reprehensible. The trouble is I don't know how to control it. Which leads me to where I am now. I have a partner I've been with for 3 years, 2.5 of which I've not been faithful to. I met him cheating on my ex. The thing is I really love this one, and for one, I know I don't deserve him. But I suspect I just was infected with gonorrhea, which I'm afraid I might have passed on to him. I have the antibiotics and I was treated. I caught the disease early and my hope is that I'll have a way out because I couldn't stand to bear the feelings I'll have if I've messed this one up permanently.
I'm tired of how I feel about myself. I hate myself and I hate everything that I did. I can't stand the way I act. I hate the way my actions feel, and I'm tired of the stress and anxiety I have to suffer because of my problem. I don't know what to do anymore, and no I'm not going to kill myself. I have to try to think there's something good deep down that I still have to offer the world.
My biggest hope is that someone might see this and understand my plight, or learn enough from it to seek help.