What a mess....

It all started when I was two. My babysitter molested me. It's the first time I've actually thought about it that way, but I think I realize now how this has changed me. I don't blame her for my current condition, nor to I bear any ill will toward her. But, after that one isolated incident I started having s** with other boys my age. I don't remember a time in my life when s** wasn't an issue. I am a man now, and as a boy I grew up in a very religious community. So when our parents found out it was reported to the police and I was charged a felony as a juvenile for having s** with my friend. I was then sentenced to therapy which took me 2 and a half years. Shortly after therapy my compulsive sexual behavior started. I have had multiple partners, too many to count. I have never been able to be faithful to my partners. I have lied, cheated, been caught, not been caught, for years. I'm not a danger to society, I am not interested in children or women in general. My stchick is legal, it's just that I find it morally reprehensible. The trouble is I don't know how to control it. Which leads me to where I am now. I have a partner I've been with for 3 years, 2.5 of which I've not been faithful to. I met him cheating on my ex. The thing is I really love this one, and for one, I know I don't deserve him. But I suspect I just was infected with gonorrhea, which I'm afraid I might have passed on to him. I have the antibiotics and I was treated. I caught the disease early and my hope is that I'll have a way out because I couldn't stand to bear the feelings I'll have if I've messed this one up permanently.

I'm tired of how I feel about myself. I hate myself and I hate everything that I did. I can't stand the way I act. I hate the way my actions feel, and I'm tired of the stress and anxiety I have to suffer because of my problem. I don't know what to do anymore, and no I'm not going to kill myself. I have to try to think there's something good deep down that I still have to offer the world.

My biggest hope is that someone might see this and understand my plight, or learn enough from it to seek help.

Godspeed.

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  • Only Jesus can help you. People will judge you but you better rush to God. This situation you are in was planted by satan so he can control your life till you die. Satan's goal is to kill,steal,destroy(John 10:10) he never love anybody you may feel good when you do bad things (Galatian 5:19-20) but at the end you are destroyed. Jesus Christ need people who has failed by the world. The world will not love you (1 john 2:15) even if how good the things of this world can be enjoyeble but they lead to death (Proverb 14:16). Stop blaming yourself.

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