I hate myself

No matter what I am never satisfied with myself. I know this stems from my mother. She has spent her entire life dissatisfied with herself. I found her secret stashes diet pills( dozens of bottles of different sorts), watched her try every new cosmetic, and reach for every unachievable goal out there.
I know I should love myself. I'm lucky. I am lucky to be alive, to be decently attractive (normal in my opinion), not poor (neither rich), and have a decent paying job ( that i hate). Yet and still every time I look at myself I hate myself. I hate everything about my physical being.
Everyone tells me how beautiful I am and I wish I could see it. I cant figure out how to find normalcy when I perceive myself as being so broken. I wonder sometimes if some of us are just born too broken to ever be normal. I just want to wake up look in the mirror and not hate what I see.

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  • I'm the same, so you're in good company :) However, that doesn't mean that what we think is right or healthy...or that there's nothing we can do about it.

    My Dad thinks he's a failure - he even tried to use me and MY career to make him feel better about himself, i.e 'If I produce a kid who is a success, that will reflect on me, and nobody will think I'm a failure any more.'
    What he DIDN'T count on is how badly that plan would backfire, and how it would result in years of depression, low self-esteem, and bad relationships for me.

    You have made a fantastic start by identifying that your mother educated you, consciously or unconsciously, into a constant state of never being able to be happy with yourself. It may not sound that great a discovery to you, but it is! Loads of people NEVER come to that kind of epiphany, so good on you for doing it! The good news is that, now you have the source of your feelings, you can work on rooting it out and lessening its influence on your life.
    Have you ever talked to a professional about how watching your mother attempt all these self-enhancing things made/makes you feel? It sounds like you would really benefit from that, since you feel so bad about it as to want to confess it like this. It sounds like it has really been burdening you. I'm going to counselling now, and I'm finding it really helpful. Perhaps having someone else listen and point out what they're hearing you say that's significant would help you do your figuring out? Good luck and I hope you find peace with yourself - we all deserve that, no matter who we are or what we look like :)

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