I Need To Scream So I Don't Cut

One could say I'm the typical teenage girl. I'm in grade 10, in a 5 month relationship, have my ups and downs and I am in all academic classes. I'm failing math, but no biggie, I'll work that out.

I'm 5'6" and weigh 215 pounds. I don't do drugs, I don't drink. I swear a lot, have a lot of piercings, dye my hair blue, red, purple, black. I wear makeup and my relationship with my parents is rocky.

To the world...I'm a normal, overweight teenage girl. To me...I'm an over emotional girl, who needs to vent so much. Everyday I look at the razor wondering where to cut.But as soon as I bring it up to my wrist I back out. I don't need to cut to feel pain, when I feel it inside right? But still, I wonder what it would be like to have those scars and someone to notice and finally ask "Hey...are you okay? Why do you do this?!"

I'm the girl everyone comes to with advice. I'm open with anything to help, and I'm bisexual, relationships, s**, drug and alcohol use (it bothers me a lot), piercings, hair dyeing, styles, stores, home and social life. But when I go to ask someone else for advice, there's no one there to help me. They tell me everything will be fine but it never is.

Let's start with my relationship. I've been in a relationship for 5 months now. For High School...that ain't that bad. I'm not ugly, not trying to sound conceited, but I know I'm not the prettiest. I'm not skinny, even though I don't look that fat. My boyfriend isn't beautiful but I could care less. He's nerdy and wonderful, and to me that's all that matters. Everyone tells me I could do better, but if I could then why am I stuck here? He's an amazing guy, but I'm a very insecure person. He told me he loved me first and rushing in I told him it back. I do love him now, but sometimes it's hard. We don't spend much time outside school together, because he prefers to be at his own house on the computer. I've been in other relationships with guys and done stuff (not s**) but we've done nothing. At first it was fine, almost a challenge, but now I almost crave it. His best friend and my best friend are also going out, and are constantly making out and together. I'm a very jealous person and when I see them.... It's hard. I won't rush my boyfriend into anything, but other then saying "Gnigh, love u" in a text every night that's all he gives. No "Hey, I Love You." or "You're beautiful." Our friends that our dating, are constantly always saying "You're so sexy" or "you're gorgeous" and she throws it in my face. (Trust me when I say she isn't in the right to be called those names, not to be mean.) I asked my boyfriend today why he loved me and all he said was "Personality." One word. He didn't elaborate or give any other reasons. I know I'm selfish but like I said I'm insecure, and I just wish he'd give a little more :/ They're been plenty of guys and girls that have asked me out when I was with him, but I stuck with him. Sometimes...I regret I let it get this far, but I can't see it anywhere else.

Next for venting is my family. "OMG TEENAGER WITH FAMILY ISSUES!!" Yea... My dad's from Afghanistan, my mom Canada. He is very forceful, and angered easily as well as my mom. Me and my dad get into a lot of fights because one has to be right. And even if I AM right, my mom will take his side. My parents constantly yell, scream, argue and fight. But they're still together. Sometimes I wish I could... do things that aren't imaginable. I have a wicked mind, and when I told my mom she laughed in my face. She takes anti-depressents and they run in my family, so I'll probably have them soon. I have two younger siblings, and I stay alive for them. Even my parents. I know they love us, but it's hard sometimes. My mom found all my suicide notes and laid them out but didn't say anything, and told me to kill myself once like in my notes. It made me so upset but she didn't seem to care.

There's so much more I could let out. I'm such a b**** inside, I could care less for more people, and hate half the people I'm around. But I'm too nice, andI'll never say it to they're face.

I don't care if no one comments or looks at this. I needed out before I lost the battle with myself and threw everything away.

4 Comments

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  • I'm the op.
    I just want to say thank you to you top three. I woke up and there were comments of support and help. I always think people on here are just trolls, but there are people who actually listen (or read.) It may not mean much comeing from a 16 year old from the internet but I want to thank you guys. You are wonderful, helpful people and I've taken every word into consideration. So thank you :) xoxo

  • For those that have survived the teen years, we know it's not always easy. You have a lot of questions and a lot of thoughts and sometimes you just have to live life to find the answer. Or you just want to know you're not the only one who feels this way or that way. It's important to keep talking (or writing), even when it's difficult or uncomfortable. So post away. We're listening.

  • when you say you need to hear more from your boyfriend, I know exactly what you mean. I'm in the same boat entirely. I'm 17 and have been with my boy for six months, and he doesn't tell me he loves me anymore (although he used to) and he doesn't elaborate on his feelings or emotions, which he also used to do. It's difficult knowing what to do. I'm such an insecure person as well. I'd say the best thing you can do is back off a bit, and eventually he'll come pinging back to you. Think of the positives, for example 'personality.' it's so vague and uninterested-sounding but I'd rather personality than 'you're fit', or something?
    I hope it all ends up okay for you lovely xx

  • You sound like a very normal young teen. Being a teenager is like fitting a circle into a square. Hang in there..you'll come into your own. I can see why you're friends come to you, you have a great perspective on life, even at such a young age. You're the therapist of your group. Ah..parents. Yea, your parents are communicating, maybe a little loudly. What can you do? All you can do is try talking to them. You won't always be under their roof. The boy. Maybe this pace works for you two. If he's not making the moves, he could be really inexperienced, or even questioning his own sexuality. Who knows..but nothing says you have to stay with him if you're truly not feeling it. Find things that make you happy like Art, friends, music etc. The weight and the depression and everything else could be helped a little with a some exercise. Endorphins are amazing for the mind, body and spirit. Find a therapist that you like and/or even keep a journal. Lastly, put the razor down and don't think about killing yourself again. You're beautiful and life is so worth living.

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