I'm in love with my boyfriend. I've been with him for six months. I've known him all my life. I'm almost positive that he's the one. I'm in love with him. When we kiss I feel like I can fly. When I'm near him, I'm happy. When he touches me, I get butterflies. I have never felt this way before, At least not to the extent that it's become.
My exboyfriend, Wesley, Was my first "love" He was my first a lot of things. My first kiss, my first s****, the first guy to tell me that Iwas beautiful, and that he loved me. We were on and off for three years, He was a year ahead of me, and he moved when I was a senior, To Oklahoma for school. It was a hard year, I missed him insanely, and I had planned to move to him when I graduated. He came home that summer, and he was diffrent, I didn't find out till later that he had been cheating on me with his roommate. And that he didn't love me anymore, That I was just someone to f*** when he was in town. He called me a w**** and broke my heart. I fell in to a dark place. and I because a w****, I slept with anyone willing, I guess trying to fill the void. stop the hurt.
So I had moved to a new town, after Wesley broke up with me. Had my escapades and then moved home after the semester was over. now, I'm with my Boyfriend, Jonathan. He's the best thing that's ever happened to me. And I love him. Last night, He spent the night, and I gave him a b******. And we cuddled and made out, not necessarily in that order. IT was the first time that I had blown him, and IT had been eight months since I had done anything of the like. He said I was amazing. And we cuddled and went to sleep. Well, He went to sleep. Just as content as can be. I layed there, With his arms around me. His breath on my neck. Where normally I'm happiest.
But my mind was racing. I felt cheap. I felt like a w****, I felt worthless. even though, He kissed me and told me he loved me, and stuff. But I just felt so used. And I kept getting flashbacks over everything that people called me, everything that I had done in my past. and I just felt horrible.
How can I be with him, when I feel like a w**** after we do anything sexual? Will it fade? Or is it like post traumatic stress or something? I want to make love to him, I want to give him pleasure. I just don't want to get hurt.