Heart, Body, Soul
When I was 11, a man raped me but it was not a very violent encounter. I know it sounds awful, but I so desperately wish it was a violent one so I wouldn't feel so damn guilty and ashamed. So I could feel like it wasn't my fault and try to move on. God knows I've tried.
I feel such disgust because I know who he is. I cannot tell my family because his wife is someone who I care dearly for. She is like a second mother to me and I cannot bear to hurt her, so I have to stand him. I've been contemplating suicide for the last few years. I haven't completely gone through it because of my mother but lately not even she's noticed and I do not think I can take much more.
The worst part is my relationships are suffering. My friends don't understand the pain I'm going through and the only one who could is going through her own problems. I've been unable to hold a real relationship for very long. I'm at the end of the rope and I do not think I will last much longer.
He took everything from me and dirtied my soul. My fear of men has kept me from making a real connection with any on a sexual or even emotional level. I don't know what to do anymore.