There are two kinds of days living with my eating disorder. There are the days that I throw up blood or get too nervous to purge. The days where I just starve myself, but I keep the food that I DO eat down. I'm scared and I can't stop thinking about how close I might be to dying.
Then there are the days where I just dont care. Im free from fear and I feel happy after I purge. The days where every purging session feels like waves of pleasure and relief, and the days where I just don't give a damn. The days where it's natural, and I almost forget that I have to sneak off to the bathroom to purge, and I can't just stand up and announce it.
Those second days are scarier, because I realize how out of control it is.