My life has been stabler recently, and ive managed to resolve quite a number of issues that i've been having. but during the rare moments that i'm all alone with myself, a small part of me, in my subconscious, would surface, and tell me the one thing that i thought i didn't think anymore. the one thing that i really shd resolve, thought i had dealt with, but in truth just pushed it so deeply within myself tht it seemed as if it was no longer thr, except it still is. the part of me that still says "I killed my mom".
And really i've been trying to deal with it. I've been doing whatever i can to seek solace in Him, to seek His guidance, to seek a sort of redemption. maybe that is also a reason why i've been more involved in faith-based activities.
but no matter what, when i least expect it, it comes. and recently with more frequency too. and somehow, i've managed to close myself off from getting to close to those ard me because of it. and telling myself that no one will ever be able to understand. that no one can ever replace my mom. that no one is important enough that i would make space for them in my heart; that my heart has space only for my memories of my mom and for God.
and i know that this way that i think is wrong. that He had a plan, and that there was a reason why she passed away, that i wasn't to blame. but at nights like this, even with the abundance of people in my life, and the emotional support that i have, i am truly alone.
and when that part of me appears, and i confront myself, i will tell myself the same thing. that i have no right to be happy. that i watched as my mom suffer, watched as she reached out to me, but did nothing. that it was a little too late, that on the day she got into the accident, i had decided to finally listen to her and try to help her, but it was too late.
i know i have to forgive myself. that im not to blame. but knowing is one thing, and actually doing it is another. i can say that i forgive myself, that i'm not to blame, that my late mom would have wanted me to be happy and move on and remember her as she was. but somehow i still can't. i don't know why, i just can't. and i tell myself that right now, for the rest of my life, all im entitled to is to seek redemption. to use everything of me only for others, that my happiness don't matter. and strive towards the last day of my life, and hope that by His mercy i can meet my mom again, and tell her that I love her.