Do you remember?

Do you remember when we first became best friends? I remember and teasing you about how short you were, and how you would slam my locker shut every day.

Do you remember that day we were walking down to lunch and you and your friend were trying to persuade me to tell you who I liked? I told you it was Mike Hampton. I lied.

Do you remember those three months we "dated" in middle school, and the awkward months spent beside each other every day not talking after it had ended? I realized many years later that the melodramatic "the world is ending" feeling wasn't entirely teenage angst... admittedly, it partially was... but I realized that the reason it hurt so badly was because I really cared for you.

Do you remember giving me your jacket to shield me against the cold of the freezer, your forehead pressed against mine?

Do you remember when you came up to visit for the first time and stayed the night and we stayed up talking until well after everyone else had fallen asleep? And we laid there pent up with muffled laughs and making pointed jabs at one another. And your fingers met the back of my neck, and ran up and into my hair...

Do you remember when you called me out for being jealous of you and my friend dating? And I told you that you were being presumptuous and arrogant. Well... I was jealous.

Do you remember when you held me and comforted me when my boyfriend left? Do you remember that first kiss which had building up for over 6 years... all the power, all the hesitancy and wariness...

Do you remember when I absentmindedly began to describe my ideal guy and all the attributes I prized and how I loved light colored eyes? Well, while that was entirely true, I forgot to mention one thing... yours have been the only dark ones that I have ever found beautiful and captivated by.

Do you remember walking on the snow-covered beach, staring up at the stars as the wind bit at our faces, counting the number of airplanes? You kissed me and I knew that everything you had always said (about how, if we were to ever get together one day, you wouldn't be the one to get attached) was completely false.

Do you remember sitting in my bathroom, silent, watching me cake on that extra layer of mascara? Do you remember finally cracking under my inquiries, confirming my suspicions and telling me you loved me?

Do you remember me telling you that I wasn't ready? Because I wasn't. I was confused and still hurting and repulsed by the idea of love at the time. Maybe what they say is true-- maybe we always want what we can't have... and when it's obtainable, we don't want it anymore. However, on late nights when I've been compelled by some unexplainable inner compulsion to go for a walk by myself or lay in my bed, window open, and let the breeze wash over my face, I've often wondered whether some unconscious, underlying reason why I pushed you away, when I'd pined after you for so long.

Do you remember when I told you that I prized honesty more than anything? Well, I haven't been very honest. Because even though I'm across the country, and we haven't spoken in months, and our friendship now is basically nonexistent, the truth is that you cross my mind more often than I'd ever admit. And you make constant cameos in my dreams, leaving me with a somewhat hollow feeling upon waking. And contemplate sucking up my pride and sending that first "hello" nearly every day. And maybe it's all because of the falling out of our friendship... or maybe it's something else. Maybe years from now, I'll look back on that December and wonder if those were the moments that made you that "one that got away" (or, rather, was pushed away).